Act One of How To Be A Homosexual follows.

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WARNING: Although How To Be A Homosexual was initially written for a child-based audience, the following script may contain elements which disturb. Also, certain removed elements of the original script, such as profanity and some violence, have been restored.

Act One

Scene One

NARRATOR: You should not portray tales of complete nonsense, such as the one that follows, into the minds of simple-minded folk. But fuck that.

Asparagus falls down onto him and explodes.

Scene Two

FRED: What the...?

TREE: Damn straight....

FRED: You're allergic to fire, aren't you?

TREE: Yes, I am. You know, if I got Ilit now it would be rather coincidental, wouldn't you say?

FIRE: Muahahahahahahahaha!

TREE: Oh look, it's Fire, the amazing fig tree!

FIRE: I am not a fig tree...I'm here to Ilit you!

ALL: No? But I thought with the red flames and evil glint in your eye that you must be a fig tree....

FIRE: No! I am not a fig tree at all, I are...potato tree!

FIRE sets everything alight.

ALL: Oh.

FIRE: Are you not amazed, astonished, maybe...slightly confused?

ALL: No.

ALL kills FIRE with his laser vision.

TREE: Hello All, fancy meeting you here!

ALL: Fuck off, you small grain of sand!

TREE: PAYATTENTIONTOMYRANDOMNESS... Mutt.

Exit EVERYTHING.

TREE: Bye Everything! LIEK THE OMG HE IS GONE!

Scene Three

NARRATOR: Fred, Gomp 1 and Fire are walking out of a Nazi concentration camp. None of them know what they were there for. Gomp 1 has a cloning device.

GOMP 1: Using this cloning device, I can open pineapples with the mere thought! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Nazi-esque ceremonial Interlingua.

STORESHOP: Gomp 1, that is not a toy, you must only use it to play "How to Kill Everything", the game like we learned inside!

GOMP 1 wanders off to sulk. By dramatic coincidence, TREE appears as a toothbrush.

FRED: Oh look! A toothbrush! It's so bristly!

FIRE: (NOT LISTENING) I think that place was a bit mean to Everything. Sure, he's a hermaphrodite, but why were all the German, American and English plans to mainly...well...kill it?

TREE: I DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK!

ALL: Ominous Voice, are you there?

OMINOUS VOICE: .............no.

ALL: OK.

FRED wanders over to where GOMP 1 is lying.

FRED: Are you dead yet?

GOMP 1: Kno.

FRED: Are you dead yet?

GOMP 1: Kno.

FRED: Are you dead yet?

GOMP 1: Kno.

FRED: Are you dead yet?

GOMP 1: Kno.

FRED: Are you dead yet?

GOMP 1: Shut the fuck up.

FRED picks up cloning device and inadvertently kills GOMP 1 - unaware that it is, in fact, switched on.

FRED turns into a block of cheese.

FRED flies to the moon.

TREE turns into a large mango with legs.

TREE: Yawn....

ALL: "Yawn"? What do you mean by that? You incessant pig dog!

TREE: Are you Albanian?

ALL: (incensed) NO!

GOMP 1 returns from the dead with an ‘identical' twin.

GOMP 2: You...What am I doing here?

FRED returns as cheese, turns into 2 bowls of yogurt and disappears again.

YBRIK: I want ice cream!

HITLER appears and turns into strawberry ice cream.

YBRIK: Not that ice cream!

GIANT PURPLE LEMMING enters and explodes.

TREE: ... hee... heeheehee... heehahahahahahahahahahaha!

(BANG)

Scene Four

NARRATOR: Fred returned from the moon with an unknown warning, and killed Gomp 1 again to prove a point that remains unknown to this day. But, naturally, it did not work, and as soon as Gomp 1 came out of the cloning device he was ready for heated discussion:

GOMP 1: PORK!

GOMP 2: KROP!

GOMP 1: PORK!

GOMP 2: KROP!

GOMP 1: PORK!

GOMP 2: KROP!

GOMP 1: PORK!

GOMP 2: KROP!

GOMP 1: PORK!

GOMP 2: KROP!

OMINOUS VOICE: ...wrong, the correct answer is rat..............

EVERYTHING enters riding HITLER in a Camel fashion.

EVERYTHING: Whoa boy, steady now!

HITLER eats and regurgitates EVERYTHING several times and turns into chocolate ice cream.

YBRIK: N0! I hate you all!

A zebra appears and YBRIK flies away to Atlantis.

TREE as a human appears in an orange penguin.

TREE turns into God.

OMINOUS VOICE: ...wrong, the correct answer is rat....

TREE: Fuck you!

FRED reverts back to his normal form, two pots of Muller Rice.

FRED: N0! You teh RICE!

A child like voice booms over the intercom.

INTERCOM: L-E-T-S P-L-A-Y Y-U-G-I-O-H-!-!-!

OMINOUS VOICE: ...Y-U-G-I-O-H SUCKS....

TREE and FRED merge to become one.

TREEFRED: Oddopet!

Scene Five

ALL is walking out of a Doctor Who convention, dressed like Doctor Who with EVERYTHING and GOMP 1.

ALL: I hate these conventions; they always bring out the worst in me....

A GANG OF PENGUINS appear. They begin to chant.

PENGUINS: Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy....

PENGUINS see ALL and charge towards him, breathing fire.

GOMP 1 takes out two machine guns and charges towards the penguins. They set him alight and in the confusion, he shoots himself in the foot.

GOMP 1: FUCK! It's all your fault, you fucking pencil! I shall take my revenge, with this magic toothbrush!

A PAPER SHREDDER APPEARS IN THE SKY AND FALLS ONTO ALL THE PENGUINS AND GOMP 1.

A CRAPPILY DRAWN DINOSAUR flies out of the top with a brick, and begins to kill EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING: Ow! Stop it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: NO!

EVERYTHING: Ow! Stop it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: NO!

EVERYTHING: Ow! Stop it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: NO!

EVERYTHING: Ow! Stop it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: NO!

EVERYTHING: Ow! Stop it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: What's with all the fucking repetition in this script?

OMINOUS VOICE: ...YAY! RADIATOR MAN....

RADIATOR MAN: Fuck you, I hate you all! Go buy your own radiators!

GOMP 1: This will stop him!

GOMP 1 picks up a yellow jelly baby from the moon and throws it at the CRAPPILY DRAWN DINOSAUR.

The DINOSAUR eats the yellow jelly baby, grows fat, becomes Americanised and crushes the entire world.

Meanwhile in Texas:

TREEFRED: What was that?

YBRIK: That was my jelly baby....

YBRIK sets fire to the moon with a lollipop.

GOMP 2: What is that?

YBRIK: This is my lollipop....

GOMP 2: OH!

Scene Six

NARRATOR: Gomp 2 and Crappily Drawn Dinosaur are arguing amongst the ladybirds in a desolate garden made of happy. Suddenly, they come across a giant pea that tells them there is a better way to settle their differences....

GOMP 2: Wow...it's...amazing. I have never seen anything as beautiful as this....

C. D. DINOSAUR: But you have seen me naked!

GOMP 2: You're always naked!

C. D. DINOSAUR: So....

GOMP 2: You don't even have a sexual organ...how could you be gay?

C. D. DINOSAUR: I am not gay...I am just very feminine.

GOMP 2: Yes, you are!

C. D. DINOSAUR: I am not gay...

GOMP 2: But...I love you!

An Easter egg enters in the background.

The Easter egg turns into a HITLER.

The HITLER lays an Easter egg and flies away.

C. D. DINOSAUR: I thought you loved Zeal?

GOMP 2: Yes, and that too, but the feeling I feel for you is a mixture of hate and pestilence....

C. D. DINOSAUR: And that's love?

GOMP 2: Yes!

GOMP 2 looks at C. D. DINOSAUR; C. D. DINOSAUR looks at GOMP 2; each with a mix of hate and anger.

ZEAL enters with ALL and EVERYTHING, but C. D. DINOSAUR and GOMP 2 don't notice.

C. D. DINOSAUR: Let's settle this properly!

GOMP 2: Yes, let's!

Super Smash Brothers arena arises out of the sky with GOMP 1 riding it.

GOMP 1: Finally....

C. D. DINOSAUR: I choose you, Kaiser Chiefs!

The band comes out of the poke ball thing as a picture off Google and prances about.

GOMP 2: OK then! I choose the Offspring!

One band eats GOMP 2 and then eats the other band.

Scene Seven

NARRATOR: After winning the band battle, C. D. Dinosaur celebrated by drinking cyanide. Later, he announced his quest to the group, which consisted of All, Zeal, Gomp 1 and Gomp 2, who had recently respawned with 50 Life armed with the weapons he started the level with. Gomp 2, unable to listen to the mockings of his opponent, transports the entire group to Spain, where he dances merrily.

ZEAL: Why r we in Spain?

OMINOUS VOICE: ...ARE! TEH WORD IS ARE! WE ARE N0T 1LL1T3R4T3...

ZEAL: OK.

ZEAL flies away to Atlantis.

Cut to Atlantis, where ZEAL turns into a squirrel, turns Atlantis into a hippy town and then explodes.

ZEAL respawns and repeats her actions.

YBRIK: Fuck you, you don't scare me!

HITLER enters waving a white flag surrounded by demon hands.

HITLER: I surrender; I no longer wish to be persecuted!

GOMP 1: Give us your underwear!

HITLER: OK then, but I want to feel your mushrooms in return!

GOMP 1: OK....

Ice cream enters and eats HITLER, then spits out his under wear.

GOMP 1: Yay! Hitler flavoured underwear. I can't wait to try these on!

GOMP 1 runs off stage.

C. D. DINOSAUR: ...Anyway, I wish to go onto the magic moon special ultra nine starred monkey ultra ultra star planet ring ring 57575757575757575757 magic magic magic ultra band tournament ultra ultra!

FIRE enters with EVERYTHING.

FIRE: GO FUCK YOURSELVES, ESPECIALLY YOU TREE!

TREEFRED: NO! Go to Albania!

FIRE: I AM NOT ALBANIAN! I AM A POTATO TREE!

TREE separates from FRED.

TREE: What?

FRED: She said she was a potato....

ALL: AWW....

OMINOUS VOICE: ... AWW......

A wild Beatles appears.

GOMP 2 wets himself.

C. D. DINOSAUR: I will catch it!

PLASTIC BOX: That is mine, you cannot have it.

C. D. DINOSAUR: Let us battle!

PLASTIC BOX: OK!

A crowd flocks around.

PLASTIC BOX: FUCK OFF!

The crowd turns into the letters m, z and c.

PLASTIC BOX: I choose you, "USHER"!

Usher appears out of the poke ball thing and spins around in a circle continuously.

OMINOUS VOICE: ...USHER SUCKS...

C. D. DINOSAUR: I send out "Dodgy"!

Dodgy appears out of the poke ball thing and dances about.

Both bands spin around and their stats appear next to the two bands, OMINOUS VOICE and ALL.

OMINOUS VOICE: ...USHER SUCKS...

Thunder bolt strikes Usher, Usher takes 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 points of damage.

OMINOUS VOICE: ...YAY....

Scene Eight

The scene opens. JESUS enters, naked, with a censored black strip thing into a press conference.

JESUS: Sorry! Contrary to popular belief, I have resigned my post as "son of God".

REPORTER 1: But why are you here, then?

JESUS: To prove a point.

REPORTER 2: So, which religion is right?

JESUS: Why are you asking me?

REPORTER 2: Well... you were the son of God?

JESUS: I was illegitimate, and I could never actually become God when he retired, so there were no promotion prospects.

REPORTER 3: So you're saying there is a god.

JESUS: Nope, there is no god; I just made him up. One more question.

REPORTERS look at each other.

REPORTERS 1, 2 AND 3: How big is your penis?

JESUS: I don't have one, so if that's it-

OMINOUS VOICE: ...fore...!

JESUS falls from sky onto JESUS.

JESUS 1: Who the fuck are you?

JESUS 2: (Darth Vader voice) Jesus, I am your lover.

JESUS 1: Oh, yes!

Censored strip explodes.

Camera zooms out onto TV screen.

YBRIK: This TV show sucks!

BREADMAN: I agree.

FIRE: I don't care what you think, why are we in Prague?

BREADMAN: I agree.

FIRE: Shut up!

BREADMAN: I agree.

BREADMAN turns into ZEAL.

CRAPPILY DRAWN DINOSAUR enters with GOMP 2. C. D. DINOSAUR is out of breath.

GOMP 2: I told you to pace yourself!

C. D. DINOSAUR: But how would I know it was so big?

ZEAL: Were you watching "Grass: The Movie" again?

C. D. DINOSAUR: No, I was watching air masturbating.

ZEAL: Again?

C. D. DINOSAUR: Yes again, it arouses me.

ZEAL: How?

C. D. DINOSAUR: ...with magic?

ZEAL: Oh.

FRED: I have found a clue!

TREE: Yay!

FIRE: Please DIE!

TREE: No!

FIRE: Why not?

TREE: I don't know.

FIRE: Read this book, it will help you!

FIRE throws a book: Why You Should Die- 110 Reasons.

TREE dies.

DEATH appears.

DEATH: Another pie mat, then....

DEATH'S ALTERNATE PERSONALITY: Yes, in-deed!

DEATH eats TREE.

DEATH hops off screen.

ALL arrives riding a chariot being led by his clones in black leather.

ALL: Is this Iceland?

CANADIAN: NO.

ALL: Yes!

ALL fades out and in continually in the background.

FRED: I have a clue!

FIRE: A clue for what?

FRED: Guess.

GOMP 2: A way to stop the hippos from stealing the wardrobes finest cutlery on their night out with the panda's step cousin the flamingo who sells herself every night to the man behind the bike shed who does not wear make up but tells everyone he does because he wants all the little children to say he's sexually incoherent because he was told the cult of dishwashers will praise him by giving him lemon juice grown in the Antarctic if he did so!

FRED: No.

C. D. DINOSAUR: Will it point out the person who has been eating the grass in my front lawn and selling it on eBay?!

GOMP 1: You still don't know who does that?

C. D. DINOSAUR: NO, and its getting weird, I'm finding notes in the garden containing words that insinuate a sexual nature....

GOMP 2 looks away, embarrassed.

FRED: No, that's not it.

ZEAL: Does it tell us the moral of this story?

BREADMAN: I agree.

GOMP 2: ...what moral?

FRED: Yes.

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