Act Two of How To Be A Homosexual follows.

Return to How To Be A Homosexual

WARNING: Although How To Be A Homosexual was initially written for a child-based audience, the following script may contain elements which disturb. Also, certain removed elements of the original script, such as profanity, some violence and sexual references have been restored.

Act Two

Scene One

Fun....

NARRATOR: The air particles held their meeting in the usual place, being the mouth of the French dingo that they found wandering the streets of Sweden on a young September morn, sending his army of 4,000 mice to rape and pillage the locals with their whiskers. The air particles had fiendishly hidden in his left earlobe until all the mice were vanquished in shame as their sexual organs had not been attached securely in the morning before. So, again, the dingo was forced to wander the streets of Sweden riding his sleigh of noses into the dusk.

Inside the mouth, podium surrounded by countless air particles.

AIR PARTICLE 1: Good morrow fellow air particles, I have called you all here today to rehearse our plan to take over the world!

AIR PARTICLE 3: So it's not the disco?

AIR PARTICLE 1: No! The disco is tomorrow! We are here to rehearse our mega ultra quiet shush shush don't tell anyone under pain of respiration plan to take over the world.

AIR PARTICLE 56: So it's not the disco?

AIR PARTICLE 1: If you are here for the air particle disco danceathon please leave!

All but five million and six air particles leave.

AIR PARTICLE 1: What do you want?

AIR PARTICLE 69: SEX!

AIR PARTICLE 1: Oh, OK then....

Screen fades out onto a barren wasteland complete with desk and computer.

GOMP 1: I am bored!

FIRE: So? Why do I care? Why am I here? Who are you people?

FRED: I'm me, he's him, you're you....

FIRE: Oh....

GOMP 1: Because I am special!

FIRE: No you're not, no-one is special we are all drones living in a pointless existence....

GOMP 1 puts on sunglasses.

FIRE: Now you are special!

Screen pops up.

DRONING VOICE: Well done! You now have the ability to turn invisible! Wooh!

OMINOUS VOICE: ........Mother.......

GOMP 2: Yay!

ZEAL: Let's go on the internet!

FRED: Why? What's on the internet?

C. D. DINOSAUR appears on top of screen on broccoli and slowly falls down the page.

C. D. DINOSAUR: P-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-R

Screen cuts off and is replaced with a black board with censored written on it, lifting music plays.

Screen reverts back to normal.

C. D. DINOSAUR: O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O­O-O-O-O-O-R-N!

Broccoli, now at the bottom of the page, explodes.

GOMP 2: Spoon. Noun. Not used to pick up toilets, ducks, grass, watermelons, vegans, firemen, Britney Spears, the letter F, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4....

MOOXO enters.

MOOXO: Would you like to see a magic trick, it's for television!

ALL: What kind of television?

MOOXO: My television! Don't worry, Mike's over there and if anything goes wrong he will arrive in the nick of time to save you!

ZEAL: Where's my beard?

Box parachutes down and a BEARD flies out.

EVERYTHING: Yay! My dreams have come true!

BEARD turns to ALL.

BEARD: Will you marry me?

ALL: No.

BEARD: I was not talking to you!

MOOXO: Yes, my darling, I shall!

Superman flies onto screen, picks up MOOXO and BEARD and flies off screen.

ZEAL: That is my beard!

HITLER: Here, have mine!

HITLER's moustache flies around and lands on ZEAL's arm.

ZEAL: I must comb it!

FRED: We must go onto the internet and have "FUN"!

FIRE: Why? Can't we just wallow in self pity?

FRED: OK.

Scene Two

NARRATOR: In a secluded spot, north of Sweden, the world leaders with their sidekicks are having a secret meeting about various things that even I should not know about. But I do. Because I'm special.

WORLD LEADER 1: I think we should vote Sweden!

WORLD LEADER 4: Why...?

WORLD LEADER 2: Because, my heterosexual friend, Sweden isn't France and they don't speak Swahili!

WORLD LEADER 4: Now, don't you call me heterosexual, or my country will have your country!

WORLD LEADER 1: Please, we can have a world war anytime. Now is the time for voting like a democracy whilst they are still in fashion!

WORLD LEADER 3: Yeah, dictatorships are so last season.

WORLD LEADER 1: Wait...can you hear that rustling?

WORLD LEADER 4 cracks open to reveal a rubber band.

WORLD LEADER 3: Ahhhh! The dreaded rubber band!

WORLD LEADER 2: We are doomed!

RADIATOR MAN enters heroically.

RADIATOR MAN: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! You all suck!

RADIATOR MAN flies off.

Rubber band emits a ray of light and incinerates all remaining characters.

Scene cuts to YBRIK reading a story to some children.

YBRIK: AND ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS DEATH!

DEATH: You rang?

YBRIK: No! Fuck off!

DEATH: I have rights too!

YBRIK: No you don't, you are sexually inadequate!

Matrix mock fight scene ensues.

CHILDREN: YAY VIOLENCE!

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a barren wasteland complete with computer desk and chair, the small group of people we are following ARE staring at something....

ZEAL: So how do we use this in-ter-net?

GOMP 1: First! We need a frog!

FRED: But where can we find a frog?

GOMP 2: I know! Let's look on the internet!

TREE: YAY!

OMINOUS VOICE: ... click here for bold...!

FIRE: Why do I hear voices in my head?

ALL: They want you to kill yourself!

FIRE: Prove it!

ALL covers his mouth.

ALL: Fire!

FIRE: Yes, mysterious voice!

ALL: Dance!

FIRE: Fuck you!

OMINOUS VOICE: ... click here for bold...!

BREADMAN enters.

BREADMAN: I agree.

DIRECTOR: Say something else, you fucking moron.

BREADMAN: ....

BREADMAN picks up script.

BREADMAN: I...concur?

GOMP 1 stares at BREADMAN. BREADMAN storms off, GOMP 1 follows.

GOMP 1: You look tired, would you like this bev-er-age?

BREADMAN: Yes, I would....

GOMP 1: Well, if you do not want it, I shall pour it away before your eyes in a sarcastic fashion!

GOMP 1 eats the beverage.

Cut back to wasteland.

FRED: Let's go on eBay!

ZEAL: Yes, for there we shall buy a frog so we can access this internet!

GOMP 2: Here's a good offer; "frog - internet purposes only" for 5 human sex slaves!

ALL: That's a good deal!

C. D. DINOSAUR: Yeah, but where can we find human sex slaves?

ZEAL: Check your wallets!

Characters take out wallets.

ALL: I've got two!

GOMP 2: I've got one and a half....

C. D. DINOSAUR: Hey! I've got seven!

FRED: Where did you get seven from?

C. D. DINOSAUR: Challenge TV.

EVERYTHING: Really?

C. D. DINOSAUR: Yeah, they lurk around in lemonade costumes.

OMINOUS VOICE: ... click here for bold...!

C. D. DINOSAUR: Exactly.

ZEAL: Let's order it now so we don't have to wait around!

NARRATOR: Four million years later....

ALL: That was the fastest four million years ever....

GOMP 1: Yeah, it's like we haven't aged a day!

ZEAL: The frog arrived today!

OMINOUS VOICE: ... wooh...!

FIRE: Great!

GOMP 1: Let's have a parade!

A parade occurs, which consists of one red piece of paper falling from the top of the screen to the bottom.

OMINOUS VOICE: ... YAY...!

Scene Three

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in Southern Germany....

White background with ‘G3rm4n1' written on it.

YBRIK: GERMANY SUCKS!

GOMP 1: You must embrace the culture....

GOMP 1's eyes glaze over.

GOMP 1: Just think of all the death, torture and happy times that have happened here! ... I can smell it now!

GOMP 1 is surrounded by monks and taken off screen.

GERMAN MAN 1: Sieg Heil?!

GERMAN WOMAN 1: Heil, Heil Sieg!

GERMAN WOMAN 2: Heil, Sieg Sieg, Sieg!

FRED: Bloody locals! It's as if they own the place!

GERMAN MAN 1: Sieg Heil?!

ALL: I will handle this!

ALL takes out French to English translation book.

ALL: (in a French accent) Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Sieg Heil! ... Heil?

GERMAN WOMAN 2 slaps ALL. A HOODED MAN steps out from behind a shed.

HOODED MAN: Is-eth thee-eth having-eth trouble-eth with-eth the-eth locals-eth?

ZEAL: Yes, we are. Can you help us? ... eth?

HOODED MAN: Yes... eth.

HOODED MAN turns to German group, subtitles appear at bottom of screen.

HOODED MAN: Sieg-eth Heil-eth, Heil-eth Heil-eth Heil-eth Sieg-eth Sieg­eth Sieg-Heil-eth.

Translation: They insult your grandchildren's telephones, burn zem!

GERMAN MEN 1 and 2 go into split screen and call forth their big mechanical robots.

GERMAN MAN 1: Sieg!

GERMAN MAN 2: ... err... shoe!

Giant Hitler Robot walks through background doing the Basil Fawlty thing. GERMAN MAN 2 takes off his shoe and runs towards All. Dramatic music plays and it begins to rain. Zooms in on characters.

Cut to restaurant, music stops.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile....

EVERYTHING is at a table with a BRICK in a black leather corset.

EVERYTHING: Are you enjoying your soup?

BRICK: ....

EVERYTHING: Me too, we have so much in common!

BRICK: ....

EVERYTHING: Oh, you're so funny!

BRICK: ....

EVERYTHING: Ooh, stop it! Wait ‘til we get to the bedroom!

BRICK: ....

EVERYTHING: Yes, mistress....

Cut back to Germany, where the main characters are in a trench.

GOMP 2: Why did we dig a trench?

FRED: We dug the trench so the rollerblading watermelons could not smell us after they drank their way through that lake of chocolate!

GOMP 2: Why are we running away from the watermelons?

FRED: Because they don't like the Beach Boys!

GOMP 2: OK, why are you wearing an inflatable onion?

FRED: Why aren't you wearing an inflatable onion?

GOMP 2 begins to cry.

GOMP 2: I don't know? Why? Why do I not have an inflatable onion?

GOMP 2 explodes.

NARRATOR: You may be wondering why I am doing the voiceover. Well, I studied at Oxford where I passed with honours, and then I got a gun... and began to shoot everyone that had ever spoken to me! BANG! BANG! It went! ... ahem... we find our "heroes" in a dilemma... wooh!

TREE: YAY! The fleet is here!

FIRE: No it's not! It is merely a feather and a squirrel caught in the mist!

ALL: Pineapples form a main part in a giraffe's nicotine diet!

DR PEPPER: Try my new flavour: Sodium!

Scene Four

NARRATOR: Russia, at this moment in time, is populated by 400 billion trout that have evolved into kneecaps. Let's watch them... but remember, we must be subtle!

The scene opens with the RUSSIAN KNEECAPS living in caves.

ANGRY XYLOPHONE: We deserve more wrapping paper for our daily yoga lesson!

A RUSSIAN KNEECAP picks up rock and throws it at the ANGRY XYLOPHONE. This is followed by a mushroom cloud.

NARRATOR: Thus, the Russian Kneecaps became a force to be reckoned with...we meet our Russians during the Cold War!

RUSSIAN 1: Well, my Russian comrade!

RUSSIAN 2: Yes, my Russian comrade!

RUSSIAN 1: Are you, as the "American scum" say...red? My Russian comrade!

RUSSIAN 2: Why would you say that? My Russian comrade!

RUSSIAN 1: Because, my Russian comrade! You are wearing no pants!

RUSSIAN 2: I disagree with you, my Russian comrade! As it is you who has no pants!

RUSSIAN 1: Cough, cough, my Russian comrade!

RUSSIAN 2: Would you like to have as the "American scum" say, oral sex?

RUSSIAN 1: After the speech....

A podium appears. PRESIDENT LINCOLN steps forward.

LINCOLN: (cockney accent) Four score and seven years ago, my Russian comrades and I had a dream that we would destroy America with many, many rocks. But it seems there is a greater threat! Someone, who undermines our way of eating whilst sitting on a toilet... these people are so despicable, so deadly that they even say the forbidden word! And these people are....

Cut to squirrel on a tree. A rock flies through air and hits the squirrel. A mushroom cloud follows.

LINCOLN: That's better...now we can party, my Russian comrades!

Disco ball drops. "Night Fever" begins to play.

RUSSIAN 3: News from the frontline, my Russian comrade, sir!

LINCOLN: Wooh!

RUSSIAN 3: It appears that three unidentified war planes have appeared out of nowhere, my Russian comrade, sir!

LINCOLN: Fine then...we go to war!

Cut to outside of a village of lepers.

MONK 1: You must find inner peace!

GOMP 1: OK.

GOMP 1 picks up a rock and throws it at the village. A mushroom cloud follows.

GOMP 1: I've found it!

MONK 1: You have learned well!

MONK 2: You may now re-enter society!

GOMP 1: YAY!

Cut to Saturn. A giant piñata appears.

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! ...HA! SOON! I! SHALL! DANCE! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Cut back to trench.

FIRE: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with: Triangulormophic gotrantoic blegoyramill.

C. D. DINOSAUR: She's a spy!

ALL: Burn her!

Angry mob appears and chases FIRE off screen.

ZEAL: I am bored!

OMINOUS VOICE: ...let's go on the internet...!

YBRIK: NO, YOU DID THAT LAST TIME!

A circle enters.

CIRCLE: The Russians are invading!

FRED: No, they're not!

CIRCLE: Yes, they are!

FRED: Prove it!

CIRCLE: Here is a note!

FRED: This is just a blank piece of paper!

BREADMAN: I see eye to eye!

C. D. DINOSAUR: AHHHHHHHHHHH! A big scary dinosaur!

GOMP 2: Those are the Russians!

CIRCLE: BYEBYE!

ALL: We must defend ourselves!

ZEAL: We?

Zeal puts on a parachute and flies away.

C. D. DINOSAUR: (echo) Let's put together our rings of power!

GOMP 2: No! Fred: Then what do you suggest we do?

C. D. Dinosaur: (echo) It's blatantly obvious! We call forth Radiator Man using his beacon of power!

Heroic music. RADIATOR MAN enters.

RADIATOR MAN: I will save you!

RADIATOR MAN turns into rice pudding.

FRED: Oh no! It appears to be that our enemy has a cycle map, what are we to do?

Gomp 1 enters with numerous monks.

GOMP 1: Hello brother Gomp 2, how is your spleen?

GOMP 2: It is fine, how is your spleen?

GOMP 1: It's moved to Texas where he intends to set up a farm, become famous and sell it on eBay, then go to Vegas....

GOMP 2: How will he become famous?

GOMP 1: He shall mate sheep with spleens....

GOMP 2: Oh... I tried that once... my spleen wasn't that happy....

GOMP 1: Why?

GOMP 2: She only likes horses!

GOMP 1: OH!

FRED: Erm...sorry to interrupt, but we are about to be turned into a mixture of rice pudding and dust....

GOMP 1: Great! Go my legions of holiness, run amok and scream, for death awaits you!

Monks charge at the Russians.

RUSSIAN 1: Ahhhhhh! A priest! Run! My comrades!

LINCOLN: Do not fear, my comrades! We have the mighty cycle map!

Cut back.

TREE: It's not working!

ZEAL: Fine! Use the very, very secret-like secret things that we all kept a secret until now which is a secret that not even I know about secret which is so secret we don't know what it is!

ALL: You mean the "box"!

ZEAL: Yes the "box" wink wink wink!

ALL: OK!

All steps up from the trench.

LINCOLN: Ahhhhhhhh! An enemy has come, my comrades, save yourselves!

NARRATOR: Back in Russia....

RUSSIAN 1: Now... where's that lubrication!

Scene Five

NARRATOR: Beware the cup cake, beware! For no man has glanced upon its subtle icing and mixture of varied chocolate flavourings, and has left without buying at least one more item that he did not wish to buy! The history of this cupcake is unknown! But we have accounts from an area of the world where the cupcake has been mentioned! ... our entry leads us to Eastern Tibet!

Scene opens to a McDonalds.

TIBETAN MONK: Excuse me sir, I would like to purchase a delight of the Western community involving the sweetness of the cocoa bean and the softness of pastry....

MCDONALDS SLAVE: Would you like fries with that?

TIBETAN MONK: Can you describe this "frie"? Is it a form of the potatoe that is harvested from this land so great? If so, I would like to purchase such requirements....

A plastic tray is pushed onto the counter with a glowing cup cake and some lard with a mouldy potato glued onto it.

MCDONALDS SLAVE: That will be $40, AND YOUR SOUL!

TIBETAN MONK: OK!

The floor opens up and the TIBETAN MONK falls down into the pits of hell.

NARRATOR: The cupcake then bought the moon and danced... and now the real story!

FRED: So... err... how's your day then?

ALL: I shall now make a fire.

ALL picks up two dogs and begins to rub them together.

ZEAL: We can make smores!

TREE: Yay!

OMINOUS VOICE: ...alas, what are we to do...?

FIRE: What do you mean?

OMINOUS VOICE: ... my liquorice has lost its apartment in Spain...!

ROLLER SKATE 1: This cannot be!

ROLLER SKATE 2: WE shall offer you our foreign currency!

GOMP 1: We do not want your foreign currency, it smells of beets!

C. D. DINOSAUR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YBRIK: Brightly Coloured Sparkles.

GOMP 1: Where's my corn dumpling?

FIRE: Corn dumplings suck!

FRED: How would you know?

FIRE: I can fly! Wooooooooh!

ZEAL: No you can't!

FIRE: Prove it!

C. D. DINOSAUR: I'M HUNGARY!

Cut to train and gravy cup. The gravy cup is poured slowly onto the train.

DRONE VOICE: Welcome to the Disneyworld courtesy tram. This tram will take you to the transportation and ticket centre. Please seat your children towards the inside of the tram and keep your hands, feet, and lunchboxes inside the tram at all times. Thank you!

YBRIK: There is no Gravy left!

FIRE: So! Eat some more!

FRED: K!

A thunderbolt strikes the ground.

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA!

GOMP 2: Who are you?

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! AM! THE! PIÑATA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

ALL: Good for you! Boo!

THE LETTER H: You scared me!

ALL: Awfully sorry!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! WILL! TAKE! OVER! THE! WORLD! HA! HA! HA! HA!

FRED: Great!

GOMP 1: I'm rooting for you!

ALL: Go piñata!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! YOU! CANNOT! STOP! ME! HA! HA! HA! HA!

A time portal opens.

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! SHALL! SEND! YOU! INTO! THE PAST! AND! WILL! RULE! ALL! HA! HA! HA! HA!

C. D. DINOSAUR: Nooooooooo!

The characters are sucked into the time portal. Inside the time portal, the characters are playing "PATTA-CAKE".

ALL: Patta-cake, patta-cake, bakers nose,
How many sexual actions,
Can you pose?
1, 2, 3, 4!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA!

The time portal opens behind PIÑATA.

GOMP 2: So this is the future!

YBRIK: T3H FUTURE SUX!

COMPUTER PROGRAMMER: Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! BLOOX! I! SHALL! SEND! YOU! INTO! THE! FUTURE! HA! HA! HA! HA!

C. D. DINOSAUR: Noooooooooo!

The time portal opens, and the characters are sucked into it.

Scene Six

NARRATOR: Swirling...swirling...the swirling continued on and on and on and on until it stopped for a second, and then continued to swirl like a pope in a washing machine. It swirled... but anyway our heroes are trapped in a time vortex of doom...

The NARRATOR yawns.

NARRATOR: I have a small orang-utan, you know... it's called Harold, and it does everything I can't do... I'm so lonely... sometimes I explode things just to get attention....

An explosion, followed by the appearance of the time vortex.

ALL: And a one and a two and a....

GOMP 1, GOMP 2 AND FRED: (singing) We are in a time vortex!
Woooooooooh!
We are travelling through time!
Wooooooooooh!
There's some carrots travelling through time! Wooooooooooh!

Putt Putt explodes.

FIRE: Your singing sucks!

GOMP 2: You're so hurtful!

FRED: Yeah! Just because Gomp 2 is utterly crap at singing, I mean, really... c'mon, he can't sing at all... if it weren't for me and Gomp 1 the time portal would have spat us out in disgust!

TIME PORTAL: Stop telling me how to do my job!

YBRIK: You're fired!

TIME PORTAL: You cannot fire me! I quit!

YBRIK: Bring me an Application form!

FRED: Why?

YBRIK: (echo) I WANT THE COMPANY CAR.

FRED: Because?

YBRIK: It's made of toilet bricks!

The characters gasp.

ALL: Toilet bricks? You mean actual toilet bricks?

YBRIK: (echo) YES... I... DO....

C. D. DINOSAUR: What are toilet bricks?

TREE: You do not know what toilet bricks are?

C. D. DINOSAUR: Nay... as back in the old country, we lived a simple life with merely our gold and diamond-encrusted potty paper and millions upon millions of acres that grew our simple food of lobsters and dodos....

FRED: You poor mistreated... thing... you have never had such luxury as seeing a toilet brick?

C. D. DINOSAUR: No....

FIRE: Hehehehehe... you suck!

C. D. DINOSAUR explodes.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile....

Cut to a war scene.

M&MS PACKET 1: Medic!

M&MS PACKET MEDIC: What?

M&MS PACKET 1: We've lost another one!

M&MS PACKET MEDIC: Oh no... what are we to do?

M&MS PACKET 2: Cough...cough!

M&MS PACKET PRIEST: My son, are you OK? What happened to him?

M&MS PACKET 1: He was attacked by a Pepsi bottle!

PEPSI BOTTLE: That is correct, my foe!

M&MS PACKET 1: Who are you?

PEPSI BOTTLE: ... I am the dreaded Pepsi bottle... HAHAHAHAHA!

M&MS PACKET 3: What do you want?

PEPSI BOTTLE: ...a cheeseburger! With no pickle, or else!

CHEESEBURGER appears.

CHEESEBURGER: Don't eat me! I contain nuts! Nooooooooooo!

CHEESEBURGER turns into a DIET COKE.

PEPSI BOTTLE: Oh no! It's my mortal enemy's younger brother! What am I to do?

DIET COKE: Play tic tac toe!

PEPSI BOTTLE: OK!

OMINOUS VOICE: ... I am bored...!

A lightning bolt hits PEPSI BOTTLE.

PEPSI BOTTLE: Ha! You missed!

PEPSI BOTTLE explodes.

NARRATOR: Back in the time portal/vortex....

ALL: This is boring!

GOMP 1: Yep...do you know that you and I could actually not exist? We could be fictional characters who really don't even have a mind of their own and merely say what they are meant to say....

ANGRY MOB: He knows too much... burn him!

GOMP 1 is chased off screen.

Cut to a classroom.

SAUCEPAN: The test begins now!

YBRIK: I can do this! I can do this!

SAUCEPAN 2: Psst! What's the answer to number 400078?

YBRIK: GDGDKKUFEKUFBN5554=2.

SAUCEPAN: Are you cheating?

YBRIK: Yes!

SAUCEPAN: Good! Good!

YBRIK: I ARE finished!

SAUCEPAN: You failed!

YBRIK wakes up.

YBRIK: Plastron! It was only a dream!

The time hole opens and the characters are sucked out.

Scene opens to war torn landscape with lava.

ZEAL: Where are we?

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! WELCOME! TO! MY! DOMAIN! HA! HA! HA! HA!

GOMP 2: Hey, look! It's the piñata! I knew he was going to make it big!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! BOW! DOWN! BEFORE! YOUR! LEADER! HA! HA! HA! HA!

FIRE: No!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! PLEASE! HA! HA! HA! HA!

FIRE: No!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! WITH! SUGAR! ON! TOP?! HA! HA! HA! HA!

FIRE: OK then!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! YOU! HAVE! A! LOT! OF! FLOMP! HA! HA! HA! HA!

ZEAL: Yes, we do!

PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! THEN! I! SHALL! SEND! YOU! INTO! THE! PAST! HA! HA! HA! HA!

FRED: Wooooooooh! I call shotgun!

(BANG)

Scene Seven

NARRATOR: If you were in my position, what would you say? Well, whatever you are thinking is WRONG! YOU CANNOT THINK! YOU ARE MERELY PUPPETS PLAYING A MELODY OF WHISPERS! Anyway, our heroes have been sent into the past for some godforsaken reason... it is in the swirlity goodness we come across our prey....

Cut to the swirling vortex of doom.

ZEAL: Snap!

ALL: What are you doing?

ZEAL: I win!

FIRE: Win what?

ZEAL: The prize!

ALL: What prize?

ZEAL: The Prize!

FRED: Quiet you!

GOMP 1: Quiet you what?

FRED: Quiet you salad! There, that better? Does that live up to your needs, oh great exalted one?

GOMP 1: Do you want something?

FRED: Yes!

GOMP 1: ... what?

FRED: A holiday in Eastern Columbia with Mr. Randy, my orange dotted zebra!

GOMP 1: Mr. Randy's dead...no offence, Mr. Randy.

Cut to a living area with lit fireplace.

MR. RANDY: None taken... now where's that umbrella?

SMALL CHILD with a lisp enters.

SMALL CHILD: Here it is, Mr. Randy, sir... has anyone told you that you're really tall?

Mr. Randy shoots lasers out of his nose. SMALL CHILD deflects the beams with the umbrella. MR. RANDY explodes.

Cut to the street, outside a chemist. The sign "LUBRICATION SALE" hangs in the window.

MAN 1: Excuse me, sir... you have seemed to have dropped your gay card!

MAN 2: Oh, have I? Awfully sorry to have caused you the inconvenience of pointing it out!

MAN 1: No, it was my pleasure... to point out your dropped gay card... it has been a pleasure talking to you, must dash!

MAN 2: Sorry to cause you the bother, but it seems that my gay card is safely stashed away in my natural pocket... this card, it seems to belong to you!

MAN 1: Is it really? I must have dropped it on my way to the chemist....

MAN 2: ....

MAN 1: ....

MAN 3 enters. He has a camp American accent.

MAN 3: Are you two homosexual?

Both MAN 1 and MAN 2 nod.

MAN 3: Would you like to have (demonic voice) homosexual sex?

MAN 1 AND MAN 2: Yes!

MAN 3: TOUGH!

The whole scene explodes, revealing a prehistoric world. The time vortex opens and the characters are spat out.

HOMOPHOSUARUS: GHAE! GHAE!

GOMP 2: Where are we?

FRED: Well let's see... there's the giant mobile phone over there....

C. D. DINOSAUR: ... father?

HOMOPHOSUARUS: GHAE?

C. D. DINOSAUR: Father!

HOMOPHOSUARUS: GHAE!

Reunited music plays. C. D. DINOSAUR hugs HOMOPHOSAURUS.

C. D. DINOSAUR: Where's my birthday present?

HOMOPHOSUARUS: GHAE! GHAE! GHAE!

C. D. DINOSAUR: You don't understand me; I am going to now rebel!

FRENCH PERSON: PARDON ME BUT I ARE FRENCH THUS YOU SUCK!

OMINOUS VOICE: ... ketchup bottles taste good...!

FRENCH PERSON: PARDON ME BUT ARE YOU FRENCH?

OMINOUS VOICE: ... yes....

FRENCH PERSON: THUS YOU SUCK!

Thunderbolt strikes FRENCH PERSON.

ALL: Excuse me sir, but would you like to purchase this egg sandwich? Only $1.95! Buy now for quick easy access!

ZEAL: Yes plea-

ALL: Buy now and you will receive these 4 million handmade boxes made in China!

ZEAL: OK...I would like to purcha-

ALL: All yours for $1.95 plus postage and packaging!

ZEAL: I will take it!

ALL: You have just purchased this egg sandwich. $2001.95 will be removed from your account, good day sir....

ZEAL: I have an egg sandwich!

Cut to a FLY taking a bath.

FLY: I am now cleansed, hoozah, I shall now fly into the wind allowing it to take me wherever it wants to!

FLY lands on the sandwich.

FLY: No! Why have you forsaken me?

Scene Eight

NARRATOR: I'm not an only child, you know... I had 72 brothers, all of them pure evil... I think... well, Frank was... and Steven, and maybe Gerald... I shouldn't have eaten them....

The PHONE rings.

NARRATOR: ....

HAND: It's for you!

NARRATOR: Great!

HAND: ....

NARRATOR: ....

HAND: Answer the phone, or I will tell your mummy!

NARRATOR: You're so hurtful!

NARRATOR takes the phone.

NARRATOR: Hello... oh, it's you... I know you're a big boy... stop touching it... you're coming over... oooh, great... bye bye... and now something to do with showers....

Cut to a bathroom.

MAN: You there! Give me a shower....

TOILET DUCK: Why?

MAN: Because I am wearing a dress!

TOILET DUCK: Well, if you want that shower, you will have to give me that dress!

MAN: I will give you the dress if you say orange cream.

TOILET DUCK: I don't want to!

MAN: Then I will have to shower with it on!

TOILET DUCK: You shall!

The MAN explodes.

TOILET DUCK: (echo) Donald, Donald, NO!

Cut to a living room.

PHONE: The Narrator cannot be here at the moment... can I take a message? No? Then piss off! We don't appreciate your kind round here.

Cut back to FLY on sandwich.

FLY: Where am I? Who am I? It's all happened so fast! Oh no, what have I done? Please, God, no!

ZEAL: ‘Tis the end of the world, a fly has landed upon thy egg sandwich so pure!

An apocalyptic scene... use your imagination.

AUDIENCE: No!

The apocalyptic scene continues in background.

SALESMAN: Is your computer utterly crap? Do you wish you had a better version of Windows? Or a more expensive version? Then get a loan! OR THE EVIL TALKING PHONES WILL EAT YOUR SOUL! Subject to availability.

Cut to an airport.

MASS CROWD: (crying) We're all going to die! We're all going to die! We're all going to die!

The MASS CROWD explodes.

NARRATOR: I need the toilet!

The sound of screaming.

NARRATOR: I really need the toilet!

More screaming.

NARRATOR: Only God knows how much I need the toilet!

More screaming.

TOILET CREAM: TURTLE POWER!

MASS CROWD 2: We hail thee, our new God!

TOILET CREAM: What happened to your old God?

MASS CROWD 2: It ate Jerry!

Cut to television.

JERRY: (muffled voice) Let me out! Please! I will give you magic buttons!

GOMP 2: I want to go to the opera!

FRED: Isn't the opera just people repeating themselves over and over and over again?

GOMP 2: Yes, the opera is just people repeating themselves over and over and over again, but getting louder each time!

FRED: SO YOU WANT TO SEE PEOPLE REPEATING THEMSELVES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN GETTING LOUDER EACH TIME?!

GOMP 2: YES!

FRED: ...

GOMP 2: ...

All the characters explode.

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