How To Be A Homosexual - Act Three
Act Three of How To Be A Homosexual follows.
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WARNING: Although How To Be A Homosexual was initially written for a child-based audience, the following script may contain elements which disturb. Also, certain removed elements of the original script, such as profanity, some violence and sexual references have been restored. Readers should take note that of the three acts of How To Be A Homosexual, Act Three is probably the most profane.
Act Three
Scene One
NARRATOR: Sock puppets, as we know, are as evil as the four tiny Frenchmen who try to eat the small moons of the planet Noop... or are they? We question some....
Cut to an alley way.
SOCK PUPPET 1: We live each day in fear!
SOCK PUPPET 2: When you see the torture we put up with each day, you can see why our kind is forced to go out into the world and steal those princesses, and attack those innocent spectators... you should hear those insults those grannies and toddlers throw at us....
Cut to stock footage of a sock puppet being mauled by a granny and a toddler.
SOCK PUPPET 3: Yeah, they just come up to you and blatantly point out how we have buttons for eyes! And how we are socks! It's unfair!
PRESENTER: Now, the main problem for the sock puppet community is that it feels it needs to prove itself! With the succession of their "Muppet" cousins, they feel that they can either succeed in the puppet industry, or not live at all! And with four million sock puppet suicides a second, we have to see what precautions are being taken to stop this from happening. I talked to one of the workers at sock puppet helpline....
Cut to a telecom system.
PRESENTER: Now, here we have one of the senior members of the team. Now, Mr. Smiley Face, what would you say to a sock puppet who phoned up?
SMILEY FACE: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU TEH SUXXOR!!!!!!!!
PRESENTER: OK....
SMILEY FACE: YOU DIE NOW!!!!1!!!
SMILEY FACE shoots laser beams out of its eyes. PRESENTER explodes.
Cut to an airport.
EVERYTHING: So, we are here... where is the salsa?
ALL: There is no salsa!
GOMP 2: Then what are we going to do with these Doritos?
ALL: Shoot them.
YBRIK: ARRRRRRGH! THE FLY MONKEYS!
FLY MONKEY 1: We are the fly monkeys... we are small and smart!
FLY MONKEY 2: We fly around!
FLY MONKEY 3: We eat your hair!
Cue dramatic music.
The screen changes into a Final Fantasy random battle scene.
DRONING VOICE: Prepare for battle!
ALL: What the... what's happening?
The FLY MONKEYS attack and steal the characters' hair.
OMINOUS VOICE: You lose!
More dramatic music.
FLY MONKEY 1: We go now! HAHAHAHAHA!
Cut to a port.
NARRATOR and HAND enter at the left hand side. NARRATOR looks around.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at some form of port type place in France....
C. D. DINOSAUR: Hmm... looks like fish... smells like fish... tastes like fish... sounds like fish... IT MUST BE CUM!
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! WILL! NOW! EAT! YOU! HA! HA! HA! HA!
C. D. DINOSAUR: Great!
NARRATOR: Now, are you sure the note says to go to the port?
HAND: Yes... sure... why not?
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! PREPARE! TO! DIE! HA! HA! HA! HA!
C. D. DINOSAUR: You go girl!
ROTARRAN: Brother, are you there?
NARRATOR: Didn't I eat you?
ROTARRAN: No, I escaped in a truck.
NARRATOR: Really?
ROTARRAN: No, I saw you eat Harry, so I prayed to the god Toilet Cream and offered him my arms for safety. After I ate them, he sent me into a dimension rift where I was rescued by a travelling tomato salesman, who took me into her care after a brief liaison with her daughter, Rover. I was sucked into a dimension rift again, where I wrote a letter... and here I am....
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! AM! NOW! GOING! TO! ADVANCE! VERY! SLOWLY! HA! HA! HA! HA!
ROTARRAN: Hug!
ROTARRAN jumps in the general direction of NARRATOR. PIÑATA is swallowed by ROTARRAN.
C. D. DINOSAUR: Time to fish!
C. D. DINOSAUR explodes.
Cut to a church.
PREACHER: Toilet Cream is our saviour; with it, we cleanse ourselves from being the little poopoos we were created to be! For when Satan excreted our race from his bowels, it was the Toilet Cream that helped us to become pure, to make sure that we do not rot as quickly as we should!
MASS CROWD 3: Yay!
PREACHER: But, my friends, we have amongst ourselves some un-believers!
MASS CROWD 3: Boo!
PREACHER: Bring them forward!
FRENCH DOCTOR is pushed forward.
FRENCH DOCTOR: Stop it! Stop it! Do you know who I am?
PREACHER: No!
FRENCH DOCTOR: I am Dr. Monroe!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: No you're not!
FRENCH DOCTOR: Just because I do not have the piece of paper that says I am a doctor, does not mean I am not Dr. Monroe!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: Yes it does!
FRENCH DOCTOR slaps FRENCH DOCTOR 2.
FRENCH DOCTOR: No, it does not!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2 slaps FRENCH DOCTOR.
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: If you are "Dr. Monroe", shoot yourself!
FRENCH DOCTOR: OK! I will!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: Where will you shoot yourself?
FRENCH DOCTOR: In my left thigh!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: OK, do it!
FRENCH DOCTOR picks up a gun, and fires.
FRENCH DOCTOR: I missed!
PREACHER: Ow!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a secretly secret lair filled to the brim with secret stuff that's really secret....
ROTARRAN: Ahh, home... now to plot evil deeds!
Scene Two
NARRATOR: Children's television programmes, naturally, are run by the small sinister squirrels of the south western border that live in the melting woodland that separates Canadia from Knorvegia....
Cut to the melting woodland.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: You there! Behind the shovel-shaped rock! Amuse me!
SQUIRREL: Err... sir, that's a rock.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: NO! It's a small kangaroo!
KANGAROO: No! I'm a rock; look at how rock like I am! See! How can I not be a rock?
SQUIRREL CHIEF: Fine! Bring me my gun!
SQUIRREL: Your mother took away your gun, sir.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: You annoy me! Open the trap door!
SQUIRREL: Yes, sir!
SQUIRREL pulls a lever and turns into a television.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: What is this crap?
SQUIRREL 2: It is the owl show, in which an owl talks about its daily life....
SQUIRREL CHIEF: The fiends! We must steal their ratings, for otherwise they will convince the little children to become (he shudders) naturalists!
SQUIRREL MASS CROWD: How can we do that?
SQUIRREL CHIEF: By teaching the children to kill, maim, and to insult others! Along with many sexual innuendos, this shall be the greatest television show ever!
NARRATOR: Later....
Zoom in onto television.
MISSY: Look at the fireworks! They go zoom! We go ahhh!
The camera turns to GULLEY.
GULLEY: I'm making my own fireworks; all I have to do is rub this pole really hard to set it off!
MISSY: Rub that pole, Gulley!
GULLEY: I'm rubbing Missy, I'm rubbing! Oh no, it's going off! No, Missy, don't sit on it!
MISSY explodes.
GULLEY: You can be the father!
Zoom out from TV set to the melting woodland.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: Yay! We are richer than balloon animals! Oh look, a friendly innocent rock! Hello rock!
A nuclear explosion follows.
NARRATOR: Anyway... at a temple, somewhere.
Cut to the Toilet Cream temple.
PREACHER 2: Do you, Ybrik, take Ominous Voice to be your wife, to do stuff with, when you want to... et cetera?
YBRIK: Yes, I do wish to marry him!
PREACHER 2: Great! (to OMINOUS VOICE) Do you?
OMINOUS VOICE: ...sure! Why not...?
PREACHER 2: By the great God Toilet Cream, I giveth thee the bonds of reproduction. You may reproduce with your mate.
OMINOUS VOICE: ... yay...!
PREACHER 2: Ahhh! The elastic band!
ELASTIC BAND: TWANG! TWANG! TWANG!
PREACHER 2: Ahhh! Leprosy!
PREACHER 2 turns into a frog.
NARRATOR: Ok...somewhere else...
Cut to a convention type thing.
FRED: Why are we here?
ZEAL: Because we are not somewhere else.
FRED: Quiet you!
TREE: We are here to cheer on our good pal, Breadman!
FRED: Breadman sucks!
GOMP 2: Badly!
RANDOM PERSON 1: Where is your Jesus stick?
GOMP 1: Why, it is here!
RANDOM PERSON 1: Great!
ALL: Shall we go in, then?
EVERYTHING: Yes, we should!
ZEAL: Just one thing....
EVERYTHING: Yes?
ZEAL: What is with you?
BREADMAN: You can be so cruel!
GOMP 2: Yeah, like we are going to answer that question!
Cut to inside the convention.
FRED: So, do you think you're going to win?
BREADMAN: No, I suck!
GOMP 2: Badly!
ZEAL: Why do you say that?
BREADMAN: Because of him!
BREADMAN points at SHOEMAN. Music plays.
SINGERS: Shoeman and Blazer Boy!
Shoeman with the power of the shoe!
Blazer Boy with his blazer antics!
One of them is manically depressed!
Guess who?
Shoeman or Blazer Boy?!
GOMP 2: Why are you still here?
BREADMAN: I'm lonely!
GOMP 2: Go!
BREADMAN: But....
GOMP 2: Out!
Sad violin music plays.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a self-help seminar....
Cut to a circle of chairs in a white room. Half of the chairs contain either builders or navy officers.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Now, who would like to go first? How about you?
RANDOM PERSON 2: OK... my name is John... and... (he begins to cry) and I'm a heterosexual!
PSYCHOLOGIST: There, there, it's nothing to be ashamed of; many people become straight and live normal lives! C'mon, people, feel for John, breathe - in, and out, and DEMON CRAZY MONKEYS and in, and out. There, better? Anything else you wish to say?
RANDOM PERSON 2: (still crying) Yeah... I've begun to start drinking milk from a... cup... and stopping at red lights... and dying when I'm shot! I can't help it! It just happens!
The screen explodes. Cut to an evil lair.
ROTARRAN: Using these small circular blobs of metal happy, I can convince those hippy dancing flowers to join me in my world domination antics, thus targeting both views of the world's evil happy music death ultra carpet industry!
Scene Three
NARRATOR: There are many words that rhyme, such as "Jesus" and "Ghae". But there is one word that rhymes with intent to wound. Its rhyming policy resides somewhere in the north east, with many small ears such as Henry the Ear With No Smile. I met Henry on a scavenging trip in New Orleans. It was there, in a desperate attempt to win back his toupee, that he bet his smile on a game of berry snatching, which he lost due to the fact that Christianity had stolen his religion. This rhyming fiend is, of course, the clump of grass.
HAND: Quiet you!
NARRATOR and HAND explode.
GRASS CLUMP 1: Bow down before me, you worthless green things! You may have stood tall at some point, yet now you are gone! For now, it is time for me, Ronacious, to rule all!
GRASS MASS CROWD: Hahahahahahaha!
GRASS CLUMP 1: What do you laugh at?
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER: I SHALL HAVE YOUR HAIR!
GRASS CLUMP 1: NEVER!
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER edges forward slowly. GRASS CLUMP 1 tries to move.
GRASS CLUMP 1: I can't move! It's as if I've been bonded to the floor!
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER: THERE IS NO ESCAPING MY HOVERING BLADES OF DOOM!
GRASS CLUMP 1: NO!
Sound of chainsaw-type cutting noise...?
Zoom out to a hypnotised MONKEY with a lawnmower.
MONKEY: We must cut the grass.
DRAGON: Your Wellington boots, sir....
MONKEY: You call these Wellington boots? It is a disgrace!
DRAGON: I shall return!
DRAGON exits.
RADIATOR MAN: I am now wearing my underwear on the OUTSIDE!
Zoom in to GRASS CLUMP 2.
GRASS CLUMP 2: No, you're not.
RADIATOR MAN: They're made of Clingfilm!
GRASS CLUMP 2: You're not even shiny!
RADIATOR MAN: It's, erm... invisible Clingfilm!
GRASS CLUMP 2 explodes.
NARRATOR: In an abandoned village, somewhere off the coast of Uruguay....
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
RUFUS: For a while now, I have been debating my sexuality. And now, after four years, I believe I am trisexual! Yes, I am trisexual!
FRED: Great... how's your mum?
RUFUS: YOU ATE MY HAPPY LEMON!
RUFUS explodes.
C. D. DINOSAUR: That's my door!
DANCING MONKEY: No, it's mine!
C. D. DINOSAUR: No! If you look closely, you will see that it fits onto my chicken like so.
DANCING MONKEY turns into an aeroplane.
RUBBER DUCK: Ships ahoy! Thar she blows! Et cetera....
PASSENGER 1: Yes! I found this miracle hair-growing cream in my pocket!
PASSENGER 1 pulls out a pea.
PASSENGER 2: Woot!
POTATO RING OF DOOM: BEWARE MY POTATONESS!
EGG: NO!
CHILD: I wanna ride the slide! I wanna ride the slide!
The PARENT turns to the CHILD and speaks in a nice, sweet voice.
PARENT: You can ride the slide when you're a rotting corpse with no limbs and have maggots feasting on your brain.
CHILD: Yay!
NARRATOR: This is a shovel. It is not made of Latin, it is made of Spaniards. Meanwhile, in an alleyway....
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
NARRATOR: Fuck this....
YBRIK: She left me! I can't find her anywhere! All women are bastards! They all suck!
STURGEON: Are you a client?
YBRIK: BURN!
The STURGEON turns into a metaphorical form of the situation that he is in...?
YBRIK: It appears that you have turned into a Jesus stick!
JESUS: I do not exist!
DRONING VOICE: And now, a message from the Pope....
Cut to HITLER on a podium.
HITLER: Now, as the new Pope, I proclaim that we, the new Vatican think that Christianity is wrong! And because of that, our whole faith shall now be worshipping the remaining Goblin hats!
EX-CHRISTIANS: YAY!
Cut to a predictable angry viewer.
ANGRY VIEWER: I am a Christian!
ANGRY VIEWER explodes.
NARRATOR: And now, the main plotline....
GOMP 1: My hair sucks!
SALESMAN: Buy some of my fat free gel with no calories!
GOMP 2: Why?
SALESMAN: Because it will not give you death!
GOMP 1: Really?
SALESMAN: No.
GOMP 1 dies, as his character sucks. He then changes into the amazing, incredible SHOEMAN!
SHOEMAN: I am Shoeman!
SHOEMAN does the SHOEMAN dance.
ZEAL: YAY!
SHOEMAN: Now, Shoeman is off to the casino to win himself a Blazer Boy!
Cut to the casino.
MARSUPIAL: Yay! I won 400,000,000,000 zebras!
SHOEMAN jumps on MARSUPIAL'S back and wraps his arms around him. MARSUPIAL drops his zebras.
SHOEMAN: You've been shoed!
NARRATOR: And now... ducks!
TOILET DUCK: ....
RUBBER DUCK: I have hair!
TOILET DUCK: ....
RUBBER DUCK: Are you high?
TOILET DUCK: Yeah, sure!
NARRATOR: OK....
Cut to a SPINNEY LINE party.
RED SPINNEY LINE: Er, I don't want to worry you guys, but we're out of acid.
BLUE SPINNEY LINE: You mean happy sugar?
YELLOW SPINNEY LINE: Yeah, cream guy....
GREEN SPINNEY LINE: Let's go bowling!
RED SPINNEY LINE: OK!
All characters explode.
Scene Four
NARRATOR: Twirley is an abbreviation of the word twirlificationalificituntartisational, a word that simply means that anything that can twirl is actually a form of God distinctly hidden behind the shadows of the hairy cacti that live in the bushes of an old elderly woman who has lost her faith in the universe who is thus driven to inhabit swamps, feasting on the tourists that venture too close to her pen.
Cut to paper with dotted lines.
NARRATOR: For more information visit the cheese rabbit.
CHEESE RABBIT: I can dance the twirley! Are you?
LEMON: Nevaar! For my ear, she smells your lack of confidence!
APPLE: Ma lacka confidence?
LEMON: You teh suck!
APPLE: Beyzoom! Beyzoom! Beyzoom!
GRATER: ARGH YELLOW FLUFF!
YELLOW FLUFF: Sara for president!
SARA: Free potato land!
MASS CROWD 4: YAY?
All characters explode.
NARRATOR: Thus, the quest began for the mighty Diesel Cheese. Alas, not one person knows the true identity of such a thing. Casting the phone books aside, our heroes began their journey to find the true Diesel Cheese!
Cut to a cave.
ROTARRAN: Here in my abode, I am free to prance around in my women's clothing and caress my lampshade.
LAMPSHADE: NO! You have been caressing someone else. I can smell their aftershave!
ROTARRAN: No, it's aftershave... yes! I'm... not... with that salad bowl down the road!
LAMPSHADE: LIES! ALL OF IT, LIES! I'M LEAVING AND I'M TAKING THE MONKEY!
ROTARRAN: (crying) But he's my monkey!
A flashing screen suddenly appears.
HAND: Disorientation!
Cut back to the cave.
ROTARRAN: We don't need him, do we, Ton Ton?
TON TON: (screaming) SHE SUX!
ROTARRAN: Yes, my pet. The rubber duck, she grows hungry.
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
GOMP 2: We must cross the spike pit!
ALL: But how?
GREMLIN: I shall take you in ma canoo!
FRED: YAY!
The characters hop on the canoe.
GREMLIN: Let us sing!
ZEAL: Kill her!
GOMP 2: Oh no, I'm falling!
Cut to a grey room.
DRONING VOICE: And at that moment, the happy happy happy happy happy happy leg separated from its owner to become the salt-loving leg of justice that haunts the steps of the evil doers that hide the magic salt factories from the small forest critters in the south. Meanwhile, the large hairy mole that heard your cries of fear when your demonic hair crept ever closer with its policeman's minty-fresh breath and its mucus-lined brow saw the evil yet fair princess who was plotting her revenge. But, anyway....
Cut back to the canoe.
GOMP 2: Argh!
OMINOUS VOICE: Oh look, he's fallen.
GREMLIN: JUST KEEP SWIMMING JUST KEEP SWIMMING....
GREMLIN explodes.
GOMP 2's character model dies and is replaced with the character model of GOMP 1.
ALL: We have arrived.
FRED: OMG!
EVERYTHING: W00T!
Cut to a theatre.
MUSHROOM: And now, a message from your government.
The curtains open.
VOICEOVER: This is Brenda.
Brenda the puppet enters.
VOICEOVER: This is Bob.
Bob the puppet enters.
VOICEOVER: Brenda likes Bob but Bob does not like Brenda.
The puppets dance about.
VOICEOVER: Bob, tired of Brenda's antics, lures her to his abode.
The puppets dance about some more.
VOICEOVER: Bob kills Brenda.
The puppets dance.
VOICEOVER: Brenda returns as a ghost and haunts Bob.
The puppets, surprisingly, dance about.
VOICEOVER: Bob has an operation and becomes Brenda to avoid suspicion.
Bob the puppet dances about.
VOICEOVER: Thus, the vicious cycle continues.
MUSHROOM: That was a message from your government.
YBRIK: The gateway is blocked!
RUBBER DUCK: I am the really really really really really really evil chaos king.
FRED: NO YOU'RE NOT!
RUBBER DUCK: Shh.
A wrestling ring falls down.
RUBBER DUCK: Fine, I shall choreographically fight you!
CHOREOGRAPHER: Alright, you go there, and you go there... now kill each other.
FRED explodes.
CHOREOGRAPHER: No! That sucked! Do it again, and do it properly!
CHOREOGRAPHER explodes.
GOMP 2: We have distracted the evil rubber duck. Now, all we have to do is waltz carefully into the gaping black hole of doom, look around for a bit, then we shall go home.
ROTARRAN: Go, my face monkey! Revenge the distraction of our ally!
TON TON: (screaming) GHAE!
TON TON explodes.
ROTARRAN fades out.
C. D. DINOSAUR: The secret of Diesel Cheese is ours!
MASS CROWD 5: Yay!
A chest appears.
SHINY PAPER: Be gone!
C. D. DINOSAUR: K!
Scene Five
NARRATOR: Puddles are notoriously known for their ability to contain large quantities of eggs that certain frogs use to enhance their swimming pleasure. The Easter Bunny also has a part in this tale, as it is on this day that it finally rises against its good-willed oppressors and rips off his bunny fur in rage.
EASTER BUNNY: No more!
EGG: But....
EASTER BUNNY: NO MORE!
EGG: How will the small American children grow fat without you?
EASTER BUNNY: I can't face those big companies with their big laser guns and their "special" chickens. No-one wants plastic eggs anymore!
EGG: So what are you going to do, then?
EASTER BUNNY: I am going back to what I was born to be. I am going to be a drug-crazed, evil, Nazi-Communist dinosaur again and no evil worldwide food dictatorship will stop me.
EGG: So why are you still wearing the pink bunny outfit?
EASTER BUNNY: Because you touch yourself at night!
Cut to a sniper's nest.
GRUNT: He's in my sights, boss.
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: Good. No longer shall this "Easter Bunny" affect the sales of my super large lard flavoured lard cakes!
GRUNT: OK... so what do I do now?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sarcastically) Guess.
GRUNT: Do I inflate the giant inflatable shark?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sarcastically) Yes, you inflate the giant inflatable shark.
GRUNT: But I don't have a giant inflatable shark.
The EVIL FOOD DICTATOR groans.
GRUNT: Shall I go and buy a giant inflatable shark?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sighing) No, just shoot the giant pink bunny!
GRUNT: With what?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: Oh, screw this!
GRUNT: What the hell?
GRUNT puts the gun to his head.
Cut back to the EASTER BUNNY. A gunshot is heard.
SMILING OWL: Well done, hero.
EASTER BUNNY: DIE!!
A sparkly pitchfork/laser gun drops down into the EASTER BUNNY'S hand. characters explode.
Cut to the NARRATOR.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the car made of the happy scented beer mat association, our characters appear to be trapped.
GOMP 2: So how did we actually get in this position?
FIRE: It's on page 402.
GOMP 2: Shut up!
C. D. DINOSAUR: This is nothing. During the war, 250 of us had to stay in one cardboard box for several years. We all had to live inside one another on rotations, and of course we had to shrink, but it was fun....
LIVER: Do you mind? We're trying to get some privacy here!
SPLEEN: Ignore them. Just go with the intimacy of the moment....
LIVER: Nevaar!
FARMER: Your Christmas tree appears to be aflame.
FRED: You smell of poop!
FARMER: NO, YOU SMELL OF POOP!
MONKS: We must bathe him!
MONKS take FARMER off screen.
A ring of light envelopes the characters, and a whooshing sound is heard.
Cut to a spaceship.
PIRATE: ARRG!
ALL: Hello.
PIRATE: ARRG!
ALL explodes.
PIRATE: ARRG!
YBRIK: You suck!
PIRATES swarm over the characters. Cut to the characters on a plank.
PIRATE: ARRG!
The characters fall off. Giant robots of each character appear and the each of the characters falls into their own robot. Cut to a bird's-eye view of the situation.
SHOEMAN: Attack!
SHOEMAN fires a missile at the ship.
SHOEMAN: Damn! I missed!
ZEAL: How could you miss? The ship takes up half of the screen!
PIRATE: ARRG!
The pirate ship fires many, many missiles.
SHOEMAN: Missiles can't stop Shoeman!
SHOEMAN explodes.
VOICE OVER: Now it's time for the Christian fundamentalist hour!
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST: I am a Christian fundamentalist.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Did you know that your religion has quotes that were invented by those of a religious nature to explain why people die? Oh yes! These terms were created to give explanation to things that occur naturally in life. "The lord giveth" means that God gave us life; "the lord taketh away" means that he takes away the life that he gives. So, what I am voicing is that God puts all that time and effort into creating man, to just spend his time killing them. What makes you so sure that there is a God, anyway? From a young age you were told what to do and what to believe, so it came naturally to you to believe lies. So if we made up a religion... I don't know, maybe "Toilet Cream", and taught it to many, many children who would than teach it to their children, who would teach others along with their own children, then there would be churches - and soon this cult would be as popular as other religions so it would become recognised. Soon, over time, people will begin to question the Christian faith as it obviously no longer applies to modern day society, and it's merely a way for the Western world to get into a promised afterlife. When people realise this, they will no longer follow this religion and instead they will follow others' religions that do make sense and religions that are easy to really follow. So after, say, a millennia, my false religion will be the correct one, and all the others would be dust. The "Toilet Cream" concept is also believable from its actual proof. You can go into a supermarket now and buy toilet cream and it would defend your toilet from bacteria which is, let's say, evil, but God does nothing and the Bible makes excuses for that too, so Christianity really sucks.
MAN IN AUDIENCE is shot. The audience applaud.
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST: I am a Christian fundamentalist.
VOICE OVER: That was the Christian fundamentalist hour.
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
TREE: Where is everyone?
The characters fall from the top of screen onto TREE. TREE explodes, followed by the characters.
Scene Six
NARRATOR: The pirate egg haunts the steps of all the famous worldwide game characters, like many turtles after a singular pea. But those who do not know of it are curious to its being, for they do not see the pirate egg as an egg who has dreams of becoming a pirate but a poetical dancing panda such as... this one.
Cut to backstage.
PANDA: I am the poetical dancing panda, I am.
WISP OF SMOKE: Yet you do not have any ears, how can you be poeticalal?
PANDA: Because! My ears are actually trees.
WISP OF SMOKE: But are they not but trees magical magic stick that spew magical magicalities that use the their magicalalibility to magically make their use of magic into magicalal pieces of magic?
PANDA: No. They are actually magical spewing pieces of magic that use their magical magic to magically grow magic mushrooms that use the original magicality to magically magic up some magical magic magicalistones that grow more magic trees.
PAUL WINCHELL: I have the fish pants.
RED BLOB: That be a bad sign, for only those who wish to summon the pirate egg wears the fish pants.
OIRAM: I vant zose fish pants! Give zem to me or I shall haf to turn into a rock!
RED BLOB: No... please no... not a rock... anything but a rock!
OIRAM: I vill! Unless you give me zose fish pants!
RED BLOB: No, these are my fish pants, they are made of happy salmon!
OIRAM: Fine, I shall turn into a stone!
RED BLOB: You will have these fish pants, but be warned, I shall run away and leave you with those fish pants... aloned!
OIRAM: YAY!
A fish pant icon appears on the side of the screen. A "pop" is heard, and the PIRATE EGG appears.
PIRATE EGG: You have fallen into my trap... lol.
OIRAM: Orange poo.
PIRATE EGG: Indeed!
OIRAM enters the pirate egg and the fish pants icon disappears.
NARRATOR: I LIKE TO STROKE THE BACKSPACE KEY, I follow the arrow down the board onto the many keys that are on the path to true, computerised heaven... anyway, we go towards the general direction of which pogo sticks lie....
Cut to two pogo sticks having a conversation. They both talk with cockney accents.
POGO STICK 1: So, OK, tell me what ‘appened when you were at the gym....
POGO STICK 2: OK then, I shall show you with these two pens.
Zoom in on the pens. Each has a big smiley face attached to it. The pens have French accents.
PEN 1: Hello there, are you homosexual?
PEN 2: Why, yes I am.
PEN 1: Oh joy, we can be homosexual lovers!
PEN 2: Yet there is no point as we both ‘ave no ‘oles!
PEN 1: Are you telling me you're asexual?
PEN 2: No, no, of course not! It is just that I am telling you that I'm asexual!
PEN 1: But I love you....
PEN 2: You're too late, I have found someone else!
PEN 1: Then you will never be able to fly again, unlike the rest of your clan!
PEN 2: I do not care, for I am queen of the sparkly potato fairies.
PEN 1: Fine!
Zoom out to the two pogo sticks.
POGO STICK 1: You smell of orange beets....
All characters explode. The camera follows over to the main characters. YBRIK has the fish pants.
YBRIK: W00t, I have found some fish pants.
ALL: Be careful with them, you wouldn't like to be captured by the evil pirate egg, would ye?
YBRIK: Quiet you! I shall wear whatever I wish!
YBRIK puts on the fish pants. The PIRATE EGG appears.
PIRATE EGG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are mine!
YBRIK: OK.
YBRIK enters the PIRATE EGG and the fish pants icon disappears.
ZEAL: WTF? What happened there?
ALL: Who cares, let's go drink some happy....
SHOEMAN: We must rescue him... her, yes, her!
BLAZER BOY: Why don't we just go drink some happy?
SHOEMAN: Shut up!
NARRATOR: And then, in a hill type area in which there lie no bunnies at all, not even a small family of bunnies that like to eat fish....
Cut to a hellish area with shadow in the distance.
C. D. DINOSAUR: That man over there says he is heterosexual!
FRED: Heterosexual?!
C. D. DINOSAUR: I know, it's sick!
FRED: But heterosexuality is sinful and wrong!
C. D. DINOSAUR: Let's make him into a symbol of our lesbianism.
FRED: Let's.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Shoeman has infiltrated Pirate Egg's abode....
Cut to a pirate ship area. SHOEMAN is acting in the style of the game, Metal Gear Solid.
SHOEMAN: I have infiltrated the base....
Cut to BLAZER BOY in a hot tub surrounded by Amazonian warriors.
BLAZER BOY: Having fun?
SHOEMAN: Yes, I am wet with anticipation!
BLAZER BOY: W00t.
The camera follows over to ZEAL playing poker with PIRATE EGG, wearing a moustache and beret, along with EVERYTHING, ALL and TREE.
ZEAL: King me....
EVERYTHING: Yet I rolled two sixes!
ZEAL and EVERYTHING explode.
PIRATE EGG: I have fooled you all, for I am the Pirate Egg who will mock you from laughter from my face!
ALL: So where's Ybrik?
PIRATE EGG: HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ALL: So....
PIRATE EGG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...er...over there.
PIRATE EGG points to his left. The camera follows and finds YBRIK.
Scene Seven
NARRATOR is lying down face front on the floor.
Narrator: What? Turn on the lights. Turn on the lights! Oh no. I'm blinded. Blinded! Blindedded! I'm like a small mother. Blind.
NARRATOR continues to shriek whilst a man walks over towards NARRATOR and kicks him over.
Narrator: Oh.
NARRATOR explodes.
Title sequence.
Open to a beach scene. FIRE is eating GOMP 2.
SHOEMAN: I wish to eat a snack.
ALL: Check the larder.
SHOEMAN: NO I LIKE MY FRIDGE YOU DON'T LIKE MY FRIDGE YOU THINK ITS BAD BUT YOU ARE WRONG. WRONG LIKE YOUR FACIAL HAIR.
STUDENT DEBT MAN: I would like to introduce to you my special dancing pigeon who is gay for me!
SEVENTEEN: You special my ass you like it bad fishcake!
GOMP 2: I will go.
GOMP 2 walks off. All characters look at each other. GOMP 2 shrieks, screams and explodes.
ALL: I wonder what's keeping him?
SHOEMAN: YOU WOULD LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU! YOU WOULD WANT US TO EAT YOUR CEREAL SO WE WOULD HAVE HEALTHY SKIN WHILST I'M EATING SALT!
SHOEMAN walks off.
SHOEMAN shrieks, screams and explodes.
SUPER: A while later.
Cut to GARY and DRUNGA standing on the beach.
GARY: C'mon, Drunga let us eat passionately our food in separate rooms away from each other in our seashore abode.
DRUNGA: Oh, Gary!
GARY and DRUNGA walk into the house. The floor is covered in blood and guts and body parts.
GARY: Oh no, we do not appear to have any food. Let's go to a brothel!
DRUNGA: But, Gary, what about the children?
GARY: We do not have any children, and can you tell me why we don't have any children?
DRUNGA: (sighing) Because you are the reincarnation of my father's castrated penis.
GARY: That does it, right now give me sex!
DRUNGA: KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
UNSMILING FACE: I SPOON YOU DEATH HAHAHA
HAT: Not without this!
UNSMILING FACE: NO TISH CUTLERY!
Cut to a grey windowless room.
PAPA: Now children, take off your clothes.
CHILD: Why papa?
PAPA: Err...we are giving you to the slave trade as a gift for all the hard work they're doing.
CHILD: Yay.
The doorbell rings.
PAPA: Damn! My paedophilic adventure will have to be postponed!
PAPA opens the door.
PAPA: No thank you, you can get it for eight schnitzels at the supermarket.
SUPER: Meanwhile, at the supermarket.
Cut to outside the supermarket crèche, which has loads of people sitting in nappies and smoking cigars/dying of leprosy.
TEENAGE MOTHER: (to baby) I'm sorry, Shitty Shit, but I need to go to Taiwan to complete my hairdressing course and I've heard they eat people called Shitty Shit there, so unfortunately I will have to leave you behind.
BABY: Really mother, please, this is a formal occasion and I really would appreciate it if you were not trying to live so much.
TEENAGE MOTHER places Baby in the crèche.
BABY 2: I HAVE LEPROSY LALALALALA!
BABY 3: STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT YOU WILL FORNICATE MY BOT BOT PLEASE.
BABY: OK....
SUPER: Back at the beach hut....
FRED: I want a pet to eat your face so you can't see me do bad gay.
CACTUS DOLL: I'm here! Now I can wreak havoc once more upon the world and everyone shall know the name of -
FIRE: Oh look, a doll. Let's kill it.
C. D. DINOSAUR: I shall rent the tow truck!
UGLY MAN: Would you like to rent this tow truck?
C. D. DINOSAUR: No, because you're ugly.
A LAWYER appears.
LAWYER: You say sorry now or I will use lawyer magic on you and tell you stories on how I've destroyed peoples lives.
SUPER: On a battleground somewhere....
SOLDIER: So, I have these big sexual organs in my shirt.
SOLDIER 2: Well, I have bigger sexual organs in my shirt.
SOLDIER: Well, mine are stronger!
SOLDIER 2: Mine are faster!
SOLDIER: MINE CAN CIRCLE THE EARTH.
SOLDIER 2: WELL MINE HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH DEAD HADDOCK BUT BREAKS IT UP AFTER FIVE WEEKS AS HE DOESN'T LIKE COMMITMENT.
SOLDIER: YEAH!
SOLDIER 2: YEAH!
SOLDIER: YEAH!
SOLDIER 2: YEAH!
A happy smiley face sun shoots laser beams down at the soldiers, and they turn into happy smiley bunnies.
SCIENTIST: Chapter Four, and the Homosexual Deviancy Brigade have taken the fortress, OH NO THE ZEBRA CROSSING FLANK IS OPEN SHOOT MY ROSY FACE SHOOTS IT GUD.
LEADER: Homosexual Deviancy Brigade attack!
KAKAKAKAKAKAKA, BOOGHH BOOGH PATAPATAPATAPATAPATA. The Brigade eat salty potato snacks.
NARRATOR: Death row party extravaganza!
A classical violin plays. Cut to black tie event, with champagne glasses and expensive chocolate.
PRISONER: Gay pet is gay pet gay pet gay petiliciousy gay!
PRISONER 2: Well I just had sex with four fish and they were all deaded like corn!
ELECTRIC CHAIR: CORN?!!
NEEDLE: CORN!
The NEEDLE and ELECTRIC CHAIR dance the can can and have a jolly whiz time.
Scene Eight
NARRATOR: To tell the utmost truth, I like Normandy. It smells like bad haddock. The population are bad people, so Normandy gets a seven. But Normandy wasn't always filled with Normans, no; Normandy was filled with a mixture of Burgundy and Yellow people, who were happy with the accents that they had stolen from the stars themselves.
Cut to Normandy before Normandy was filled with Normans.
JAMES: Hello, Bill! Why, that is some very nice peat you have there.
BILL: Yes, isn't it just the blackest Pete you have ever seen?
JAMES: No.
The Normans invade.
JAMES: They like pointy shoes.
BILL: I spent my whole life tending to Pete and you simply say he's not black enough?!
NORMAN: Do you like cockerels?
JAMES: No, I hate cockerels.
NORMAN: Well, do you like cock?
JAMES: Unlike many, I do.
NORMAN: Oh no.
JAMES: What?
NORMAN: You, you've hurt cock's feelings.
JAMES: I... I'm sorry... err, I didn't mean to....
NORMAN: Look, you've made him cry.
CHINESE CHECKER: We could split it in two.
JAMES: No... I didn't mean to... I... I love cock.
NORMAN: Haha, you love cock.
JAMES: No, I hate cock.
NORMAN: Your reign of oppression against the peniskind shall end soon enough, and on that day your penis and every other in the entire world shall rise up and take back what is truly theirs!
JAMES'S GROIN: Freedom!
JAMES: What about your penis?
NORMAN: I am a penis.
NORMAN explodes.
JAMES: Now, to defend my country!
Heroic music plays.
JAMES: Excuse me, sir, but I would like to fight in that battle over there!
WAITER: No.
JAMES: What?
USHERETTE: Have you reserved a place?
JAMES: No.
USHERETTE: Then you can't go in.
JAMES: But I want to defend my country.
USHERETTE: Tough!
JAMES: Why can't I fight just for a little bit?
USHERETTE: What? And just tell one of the rich folk with their big nasty weapons, people who reserved so that nobodies like you wouldn't come along and try to take their place, that they have to go? "Oh, but don't worry, he'll only be a minute?!"
JAMES: Can't I just take the place of some of those dead people over there?
USHERETTE: Oh they're not dead, no no no, those people who appear to be dead are just resting from killing all those nasty other rich people unlike yourself.
JAMES: They're dead.
USHERETTE: Many a time has a dead rich man with his big nasty weapons been mistaken for one that was a bit tired from fighting. No, that lot are sleeping.
JAMES: They have arrows in their heads!
USHERETTE: Acupuncture clinics are all the rage now with rich folk with their big nasty weapons. Even during war....
NARRATOR: Meanwhile....
SHOP OWNER: Unfortunately, we find your work inadequate for our society. Be gone or we'll 'ave you good and hard.
LITTLE GIRL: But I want the teddy bear!
SHOP OWNER: She does not bark?
The shop owner bites the head off the little girl and a teddy bear grows in its place.
Cut to an anchovy festival with streamers.
C. D. DINOSAUR: Has anyone seen any grass?
EVERYTHING: I don't like your face - it's wrongulated in every way.
C. D. DINOSAUR: There is no grass here.
EVERYTHING: Fuck off.
SALESMAN: I know what you need! You need the GrassMaker 6000!
Advertisement for the "GrassMaker 6000";
LADY VOICE: Grass is one of the natural wonders that grow upon our planet. You like grass, don't you? So much so, you will never need to get the lawnmower out. You can guarantee that if a single blade of grass rears its lovely head on your garden of passion all you can do is lovingly decapitate it and save it for later. Buy the GrassMaker 6000 for the best grass ever.
Gomp 3 cries.
OMINOUS VOICE: GASP!
NARRATOR: Yet, alone in the woods...
Alone in the woods.
FIRE: We must find it!
CRACK hovers around FIRE's head.
CRACK: You like me, you want me!
CRACK sets fire to himself and becomes DONKLEY.
DONKLEY: You don't deserve any!
DONKLEY sucks his... leg, like a tasty straw.
GRAHAMS: You should have said that at the start!
AN ARGUMENTATIVE STATE OF AFFAIRS begins.
DONKLEY: If I had said that at the start, you wouldn't have brought the video recorder, and with such pretty handle attachments....
GRAHAMS: Your deceiving plan shall not work, pheasant scum!
DONKLEY: YOU GAY?
A FIN sign is displayed. Classical music with credits.
FIRE: You would like that, wouldn't you?
ALL: I found it.
GOMP 3: If I were not to be in that homely place, would you like me? (crying) If I had a little scrumptious dolly? It would hold my hand.
FIREMEN: Did someone say (whispering) Fire?
A sucking noise is heard.
FIREMEN: We like bras. They support us greatly.
NARRATOR: Charity cases or good for humiliteration it surely helps me feel better about my constant beatings called sleephood.
V.O.S.W.B.T.A.D.T.R.T: If it weren't for the society of rehabilitation of things that no-one really gives a fuck about - but say they do to people who think they do, but only do so to prevent their friends from finding out that the money they take to give to charity goes to pig whoring people like my friend Roger - we would still be (cut off)
HALF-BURNT CORPSE: If it weren't for my rehabilitaton I could safely say I would no longer be setting fire to public places. Or exploding things people care aboot.
FOOT CORPSE: If my rehabilitation had not succeeded correctly I would no longer be cared about and my terrorist actions would go unappreciated.
A KU KLUX KLAN CORPSE does a thumbs-up gesture, followed by MARTIN LUTHER KING performing the same gesture. Martin Luther King plays games with the Ku Klux Klan member.
IRISH: We are not 'appy! Ma money shud go to things that people shudunt car aboot.
BIRMINGHAMIANS: I R IMPARTIAL TO SUCH FACTS.
NARRATOR: Now, to all those suffering people of terrorist actions (cut off)
Cut to shots of latest terrorist attacks. Dead people with smiling faces are seen. They begin to talk.
PUBLICITY WHORES: WE ARE BEING A TERRORIST ACTION GROUP, ‘COS TERRORISM IS A GOOD WAY TO GET ATTENTION.
REPORTER: Why art thou being such, my fearful fellow?
PUBLICITY WHORES: AS WE DIED ONLY A SHORT WHILE AGO, OUR PUBLICITY HAS STOPPED. WE STAND FOR BLATANT HATE CRIMES - IT'S A GOOD THING IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US. ASK YOUR LOCAL DEMOCRACY.
An almighty penis falls from the sky and puts an end to the retardation that is this script.
THE END.
Return to How To Be A Homosexual
Return to How To Be A Homosexual
WARNING: Although How To Be A Homosexual was initially written for a child-based audience, the following script may contain elements which disturb. Also, certain removed elements of the original script, such as profanity, some violence and sexual references have been restored. Readers should take note that of the three acts of How To Be A Homosexual, Act Three is probably the most profane.
Act Three
Scene One
NARRATOR: Sock puppets, as we know, are as evil as the four tiny Frenchmen who try to eat the small moons of the planet Noop... or are they? We question some....
Cut to an alley way.
SOCK PUPPET 1: We live each day in fear!
SOCK PUPPET 2: When you see the torture we put up with each day, you can see why our kind is forced to go out into the world and steal those princesses, and attack those innocent spectators... you should hear those insults those grannies and toddlers throw at us....
Cut to stock footage of a sock puppet being mauled by a granny and a toddler.
SOCK PUPPET 3: Yeah, they just come up to you and blatantly point out how we have buttons for eyes! And how we are socks! It's unfair!
PRESENTER: Now, the main problem for the sock puppet community is that it feels it needs to prove itself! With the succession of their "Muppet" cousins, they feel that they can either succeed in the puppet industry, or not live at all! And with four million sock puppet suicides a second, we have to see what precautions are being taken to stop this from happening. I talked to one of the workers at sock puppet helpline....
Cut to a telecom system.
PRESENTER: Now, here we have one of the senior members of the team. Now, Mr. Smiley Face, what would you say to a sock puppet who phoned up?
SMILEY FACE: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU TEH SUXXOR!!!!!!!!
PRESENTER: OK....
SMILEY FACE: YOU DIE NOW!!!!1!!!
SMILEY FACE shoots laser beams out of its eyes. PRESENTER explodes.
Cut to an airport.
EVERYTHING: So, we are here... where is the salsa?
ALL: There is no salsa!
GOMP 2: Then what are we going to do with these Doritos?
ALL: Shoot them.
YBRIK: ARRRRRRGH! THE FLY MONKEYS!
FLY MONKEY 1: We are the fly monkeys... we are small and smart!
FLY MONKEY 2: We fly around!
FLY MONKEY 3: We eat your hair!
Cue dramatic music.
The screen changes into a Final Fantasy random battle scene.
DRONING VOICE: Prepare for battle!
ALL: What the... what's happening?
The FLY MONKEYS attack and steal the characters' hair.
OMINOUS VOICE: You lose!
More dramatic music.
FLY MONKEY 1: We go now! HAHAHAHAHA!
Cut to a port.
NARRATOR and HAND enter at the left hand side. NARRATOR looks around.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at some form of port type place in France....
C. D. DINOSAUR: Hmm... looks like fish... smells like fish... tastes like fish... sounds like fish... IT MUST BE CUM!
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! WILL! NOW! EAT! YOU! HA! HA! HA! HA!
C. D. DINOSAUR: Great!
NARRATOR: Now, are you sure the note says to go to the port?
HAND: Yes... sure... why not?
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! PREPARE! TO! DIE! HA! HA! HA! HA!
C. D. DINOSAUR: You go girl!
ROTARRAN: Brother, are you there?
NARRATOR: Didn't I eat you?
ROTARRAN: No, I escaped in a truck.
NARRATOR: Really?
ROTARRAN: No, I saw you eat Harry, so I prayed to the god Toilet Cream and offered him my arms for safety. After I ate them, he sent me into a dimension rift where I was rescued by a travelling tomato salesman, who took me into her care after a brief liaison with her daughter, Rover. I was sucked into a dimension rift again, where I wrote a letter... and here I am....
PIÑATA: HA! HA! HA! HA! I! AM! NOW! GOING! TO! ADVANCE! VERY! SLOWLY! HA! HA! HA! HA!
ROTARRAN: Hug!
ROTARRAN jumps in the general direction of NARRATOR. PIÑATA is swallowed by ROTARRAN.
C. D. DINOSAUR: Time to fish!
C. D. DINOSAUR explodes.
Cut to a church.
PREACHER: Toilet Cream is our saviour; with it, we cleanse ourselves from being the little poopoos we were created to be! For when Satan excreted our race from his bowels, it was the Toilet Cream that helped us to become pure, to make sure that we do not rot as quickly as we should!
MASS CROWD 3: Yay!
PREACHER: But, my friends, we have amongst ourselves some un-believers!
MASS CROWD 3: Boo!
PREACHER: Bring them forward!
FRENCH DOCTOR is pushed forward.
FRENCH DOCTOR: Stop it! Stop it! Do you know who I am?
PREACHER: No!
FRENCH DOCTOR: I am Dr. Monroe!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: No you're not!
FRENCH DOCTOR: Just because I do not have the piece of paper that says I am a doctor, does not mean I am not Dr. Monroe!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: Yes it does!
FRENCH DOCTOR slaps FRENCH DOCTOR 2.
FRENCH DOCTOR: No, it does not!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2 slaps FRENCH DOCTOR.
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: If you are "Dr. Monroe", shoot yourself!
FRENCH DOCTOR: OK! I will!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: Where will you shoot yourself?
FRENCH DOCTOR: In my left thigh!
FRENCH DOCTOR 2: OK, do it!
FRENCH DOCTOR picks up a gun, and fires.
FRENCH DOCTOR: I missed!
PREACHER: Ow!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a secretly secret lair filled to the brim with secret stuff that's really secret....
ROTARRAN: Ahh, home... now to plot evil deeds!
Scene Two
NARRATOR: Children's television programmes, naturally, are run by the small sinister squirrels of the south western border that live in the melting woodland that separates Canadia from Knorvegia....
Cut to the melting woodland.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: You there! Behind the shovel-shaped rock! Amuse me!
SQUIRREL: Err... sir, that's a rock.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: NO! It's a small kangaroo!
KANGAROO: No! I'm a rock; look at how rock like I am! See! How can I not be a rock?
SQUIRREL CHIEF: Fine! Bring me my gun!
SQUIRREL: Your mother took away your gun, sir.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: You annoy me! Open the trap door!
SQUIRREL: Yes, sir!
SQUIRREL pulls a lever and turns into a television.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: What is this crap?
SQUIRREL 2: It is the owl show, in which an owl talks about its daily life....
SQUIRREL CHIEF: The fiends! We must steal their ratings, for otherwise they will convince the little children to become (he shudders) naturalists!
SQUIRREL MASS CROWD: How can we do that?
SQUIRREL CHIEF: By teaching the children to kill, maim, and to insult others! Along with many sexual innuendos, this shall be the greatest television show ever!
NARRATOR: Later....
Zoom in onto television.
MISSY: Look at the fireworks! They go zoom! We go ahhh!
The camera turns to GULLEY.
GULLEY: I'm making my own fireworks; all I have to do is rub this pole really hard to set it off!
MISSY: Rub that pole, Gulley!
GULLEY: I'm rubbing Missy, I'm rubbing! Oh no, it's going off! No, Missy, don't sit on it!
MISSY explodes.
GULLEY: You can be the father!
Zoom out from TV set to the melting woodland.
SQUIRREL CHIEF: Yay! We are richer than balloon animals! Oh look, a friendly innocent rock! Hello rock!
A nuclear explosion follows.
NARRATOR: Anyway... at a temple, somewhere.
Cut to the Toilet Cream temple.
PREACHER 2: Do you, Ybrik, take Ominous Voice to be your wife, to do stuff with, when you want to... et cetera?
YBRIK: Yes, I do wish to marry him!
PREACHER 2: Great! (to OMINOUS VOICE) Do you?
OMINOUS VOICE: ...sure! Why not...?
PREACHER 2: By the great God Toilet Cream, I giveth thee the bonds of reproduction. You may reproduce with your mate.
OMINOUS VOICE: ... yay...!
PREACHER 2: Ahhh! The elastic band!
ELASTIC BAND: TWANG! TWANG! TWANG!
PREACHER 2: Ahhh! Leprosy!
PREACHER 2 turns into a frog.
NARRATOR: Ok...somewhere else...
Cut to a convention type thing.
FRED: Why are we here?
ZEAL: Because we are not somewhere else.
FRED: Quiet you!
TREE: We are here to cheer on our good pal, Breadman!
FRED: Breadman sucks!
GOMP 2: Badly!
RANDOM PERSON 1: Where is your Jesus stick?
GOMP 1: Why, it is here!
RANDOM PERSON 1: Great!
ALL: Shall we go in, then?
EVERYTHING: Yes, we should!
ZEAL: Just one thing....
EVERYTHING: Yes?
ZEAL: What is with you?
BREADMAN: You can be so cruel!
GOMP 2: Yeah, like we are going to answer that question!
Cut to inside the convention.
FRED: So, do you think you're going to win?
BREADMAN: No, I suck!
GOMP 2: Badly!
ZEAL: Why do you say that?
BREADMAN: Because of him!
BREADMAN points at SHOEMAN. Music plays.
SINGERS: Shoeman and Blazer Boy!
Shoeman with the power of the shoe!
Blazer Boy with his blazer antics!
One of them is manically depressed!
Guess who?
Shoeman or Blazer Boy?!
GOMP 2: Why are you still here?
BREADMAN: I'm lonely!
GOMP 2: Go!
BREADMAN: But....
GOMP 2: Out!
Sad violin music plays.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in a self-help seminar....
Cut to a circle of chairs in a white room. Half of the chairs contain either builders or navy officers.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Now, who would like to go first? How about you?
RANDOM PERSON 2: OK... my name is John... and... (he begins to cry) and I'm a heterosexual!
PSYCHOLOGIST: There, there, it's nothing to be ashamed of; many people become straight and live normal lives! C'mon, people, feel for John, breathe - in, and out, and DEMON CRAZY MONKEYS and in, and out. There, better? Anything else you wish to say?
RANDOM PERSON 2: (still crying) Yeah... I've begun to start drinking milk from a... cup... and stopping at red lights... and dying when I'm shot! I can't help it! It just happens!
The screen explodes. Cut to an evil lair.
ROTARRAN: Using these small circular blobs of metal happy, I can convince those hippy dancing flowers to join me in my world domination antics, thus targeting both views of the world's evil happy music death ultra carpet industry!
Scene Three
NARRATOR: There are many words that rhyme, such as "Jesus" and "Ghae". But there is one word that rhymes with intent to wound. Its rhyming policy resides somewhere in the north east, with many small ears such as Henry the Ear With No Smile. I met Henry on a scavenging trip in New Orleans. It was there, in a desperate attempt to win back his toupee, that he bet his smile on a game of berry snatching, which he lost due to the fact that Christianity had stolen his religion. This rhyming fiend is, of course, the clump of grass.
HAND: Quiet you!
NARRATOR and HAND explode.
GRASS CLUMP 1: Bow down before me, you worthless green things! You may have stood tall at some point, yet now you are gone! For now, it is time for me, Ronacious, to rule all!
GRASS MASS CROWD: Hahahahahahaha!
GRASS CLUMP 1: What do you laugh at?
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER: I SHALL HAVE YOUR HAIR!
GRASS CLUMP 1: NEVER!
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER edges forward slowly. GRASS CLUMP 1 tries to move.
GRASS CLUMP 1: I can't move! It's as if I've been bonded to the floor!
DEMONIC LAWNMOWER: THERE IS NO ESCAPING MY HOVERING BLADES OF DOOM!
GRASS CLUMP 1: NO!
Sound of chainsaw-type cutting noise...?
Zoom out to a hypnotised MONKEY with a lawnmower.
MONKEY: We must cut the grass.
DRAGON: Your Wellington boots, sir....
MONKEY: You call these Wellington boots? It is a disgrace!
DRAGON: I shall return!
DRAGON exits.
RADIATOR MAN: I am now wearing my underwear on the OUTSIDE!
Zoom in to GRASS CLUMP 2.
GRASS CLUMP 2: No, you're not.
RADIATOR MAN: They're made of Clingfilm!
GRASS CLUMP 2: You're not even shiny!
RADIATOR MAN: It's, erm... invisible Clingfilm!
GRASS CLUMP 2 explodes.
NARRATOR: In an abandoned village, somewhere off the coast of Uruguay....
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
RUFUS: For a while now, I have been debating my sexuality. And now, after four years, I believe I am trisexual! Yes, I am trisexual!
FRED: Great... how's your mum?
RUFUS: YOU ATE MY HAPPY LEMON!
RUFUS explodes.
C. D. DINOSAUR: That's my door!
DANCING MONKEY: No, it's mine!
C. D. DINOSAUR: No! If you look closely, you will see that it fits onto my chicken like so.
DANCING MONKEY turns into an aeroplane.
RUBBER DUCK: Ships ahoy! Thar she blows! Et cetera....
PASSENGER 1: Yes! I found this miracle hair-growing cream in my pocket!
PASSENGER 1 pulls out a pea.
PASSENGER 2: Woot!
POTATO RING OF DOOM: BEWARE MY POTATONESS!
EGG: NO!
CHILD: I wanna ride the slide! I wanna ride the slide!
The PARENT turns to the CHILD and speaks in a nice, sweet voice.
PARENT: You can ride the slide when you're a rotting corpse with no limbs and have maggots feasting on your brain.
CHILD: Yay!
NARRATOR: This is a shovel. It is not made of Latin, it is made of Spaniards. Meanwhile, in an alleyway....
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
NARRATOR: Fuck this....
YBRIK: She left me! I can't find her anywhere! All women are bastards! They all suck!
STURGEON: Are you a client?
YBRIK: BURN!
The STURGEON turns into a metaphorical form of the situation that he is in...?
YBRIK: It appears that you have turned into a Jesus stick!
JESUS: I do not exist!
DRONING VOICE: And now, a message from the Pope....
Cut to HITLER on a podium.
HITLER: Now, as the new Pope, I proclaim that we, the new Vatican think that Christianity is wrong! And because of that, our whole faith shall now be worshipping the remaining Goblin hats!
EX-CHRISTIANS: YAY!
Cut to a predictable angry viewer.
ANGRY VIEWER: I am a Christian!
ANGRY VIEWER explodes.
NARRATOR: And now, the main plotline....
GOMP 1: My hair sucks!
SALESMAN: Buy some of my fat free gel with no calories!
GOMP 2: Why?
SALESMAN: Because it will not give you death!
GOMP 1: Really?
SALESMAN: No.
GOMP 1 dies, as his character sucks. He then changes into the amazing, incredible SHOEMAN!
SHOEMAN: I am Shoeman!
SHOEMAN does the SHOEMAN dance.
ZEAL: YAY!
SHOEMAN: Now, Shoeman is off to the casino to win himself a Blazer Boy!
Cut to the casino.
MARSUPIAL: Yay! I won 400,000,000,000 zebras!
SHOEMAN jumps on MARSUPIAL'S back and wraps his arms around him. MARSUPIAL drops his zebras.
SHOEMAN: You've been shoed!
NARRATOR: And now... ducks!
TOILET DUCK: ....
RUBBER DUCK: I have hair!
TOILET DUCK: ....
RUBBER DUCK: Are you high?
TOILET DUCK: Yeah, sure!
NARRATOR: OK....
Cut to a SPINNEY LINE party.
RED SPINNEY LINE: Er, I don't want to worry you guys, but we're out of acid.
BLUE SPINNEY LINE: You mean happy sugar?
YELLOW SPINNEY LINE: Yeah, cream guy....
GREEN SPINNEY LINE: Let's go bowling!
RED SPINNEY LINE: OK!
All characters explode.
Scene Four
NARRATOR: Twirley is an abbreviation of the word twirlificationalificituntartisational, a word that simply means that anything that can twirl is actually a form of God distinctly hidden behind the shadows of the hairy cacti that live in the bushes of an old elderly woman who has lost her faith in the universe who is thus driven to inhabit swamps, feasting on the tourists that venture too close to her pen.
Cut to paper with dotted lines.
NARRATOR: For more information visit the cheese rabbit.
CHEESE RABBIT: I can dance the twirley! Are you?
LEMON: Nevaar! For my ear, she smells your lack of confidence!
APPLE: Ma lacka confidence?
LEMON: You teh suck!
APPLE: Beyzoom! Beyzoom! Beyzoom!
GRATER: ARGH YELLOW FLUFF!
YELLOW FLUFF: Sara for president!
SARA: Free potato land!
MASS CROWD 4: YAY?
All characters explode.
NARRATOR: Thus, the quest began for the mighty Diesel Cheese. Alas, not one person knows the true identity of such a thing. Casting the phone books aside, our heroes began their journey to find the true Diesel Cheese!
Cut to a cave.
ROTARRAN: Here in my abode, I am free to prance around in my women's clothing and caress my lampshade.
LAMPSHADE: NO! You have been caressing someone else. I can smell their aftershave!
ROTARRAN: No, it's aftershave... yes! I'm... not... with that salad bowl down the road!
LAMPSHADE: LIES! ALL OF IT, LIES! I'M LEAVING AND I'M TAKING THE MONKEY!
ROTARRAN: (crying) But he's my monkey!
A flashing screen suddenly appears.
HAND: Disorientation!
Cut back to the cave.
ROTARRAN: We don't need him, do we, Ton Ton?
TON TON: (screaming) SHE SUX!
ROTARRAN: Yes, my pet. The rubber duck, she grows hungry.
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
GOMP 2: We must cross the spike pit!
ALL: But how?
GREMLIN: I shall take you in ma canoo!
FRED: YAY!
The characters hop on the canoe.
GREMLIN: Let us sing!
ZEAL: Kill her!
GOMP 2: Oh no, I'm falling!
Cut to a grey room.
DRONING VOICE: And at that moment, the happy happy happy happy happy happy leg separated from its owner to become the salt-loving leg of justice that haunts the steps of the evil doers that hide the magic salt factories from the small forest critters in the south. Meanwhile, the large hairy mole that heard your cries of fear when your demonic hair crept ever closer with its policeman's minty-fresh breath and its mucus-lined brow saw the evil yet fair princess who was plotting her revenge. But, anyway....
Cut back to the canoe.
GOMP 2: Argh!
OMINOUS VOICE: Oh look, he's fallen.
GREMLIN: JUST KEEP SWIMMING JUST KEEP SWIMMING....
GREMLIN explodes.
GOMP 2's character model dies and is replaced with the character model of GOMP 1.
ALL: We have arrived.
FRED: OMG!
EVERYTHING: W00T!
Cut to a theatre.
MUSHROOM: And now, a message from your government.
The curtains open.
VOICEOVER: This is Brenda.
Brenda the puppet enters.
VOICEOVER: This is Bob.
Bob the puppet enters.
VOICEOVER: Brenda likes Bob but Bob does not like Brenda.
The puppets dance about.
VOICEOVER: Bob, tired of Brenda's antics, lures her to his abode.
The puppets dance about some more.
VOICEOVER: Bob kills Brenda.
The puppets dance.
VOICEOVER: Brenda returns as a ghost and haunts Bob.
The puppets, surprisingly, dance about.
VOICEOVER: Bob has an operation and becomes Brenda to avoid suspicion.
Bob the puppet dances about.
VOICEOVER: Thus, the vicious cycle continues.
MUSHROOM: That was a message from your government.
YBRIK: The gateway is blocked!
RUBBER DUCK: I am the really really really really really really evil chaos king.
FRED: NO YOU'RE NOT!
RUBBER DUCK: Shh.
A wrestling ring falls down.
RUBBER DUCK: Fine, I shall choreographically fight you!
CHOREOGRAPHER: Alright, you go there, and you go there... now kill each other.
FRED explodes.
CHOREOGRAPHER: No! That sucked! Do it again, and do it properly!
CHOREOGRAPHER explodes.
GOMP 2: We have distracted the evil rubber duck. Now, all we have to do is waltz carefully into the gaping black hole of doom, look around for a bit, then we shall go home.
ROTARRAN: Go, my face monkey! Revenge the distraction of our ally!
TON TON: (screaming) GHAE!
TON TON explodes.
ROTARRAN fades out.
C. D. DINOSAUR: The secret of Diesel Cheese is ours!
MASS CROWD 5: Yay!
A chest appears.
SHINY PAPER: Be gone!
C. D. DINOSAUR: K!
Scene Five
NARRATOR: Puddles are notoriously known for their ability to contain large quantities of eggs that certain frogs use to enhance their swimming pleasure. The Easter Bunny also has a part in this tale, as it is on this day that it finally rises against its good-willed oppressors and rips off his bunny fur in rage.
EASTER BUNNY: No more!
EGG: But....
EASTER BUNNY: NO MORE!
EGG: How will the small American children grow fat without you?
EASTER BUNNY: I can't face those big companies with their big laser guns and their "special" chickens. No-one wants plastic eggs anymore!
EGG: So what are you going to do, then?
EASTER BUNNY: I am going back to what I was born to be. I am going to be a drug-crazed, evil, Nazi-Communist dinosaur again and no evil worldwide food dictatorship will stop me.
EGG: So why are you still wearing the pink bunny outfit?
EASTER BUNNY: Because you touch yourself at night!
Cut to a sniper's nest.
GRUNT: He's in my sights, boss.
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: Good. No longer shall this "Easter Bunny" affect the sales of my super large lard flavoured lard cakes!
GRUNT: OK... so what do I do now?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sarcastically) Guess.
GRUNT: Do I inflate the giant inflatable shark?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sarcastically) Yes, you inflate the giant inflatable shark.
GRUNT: But I don't have a giant inflatable shark.
The EVIL FOOD DICTATOR groans.
GRUNT: Shall I go and buy a giant inflatable shark?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: (sighing) No, just shoot the giant pink bunny!
GRUNT: With what?
EVIL FOOD DICTATOR: Oh, screw this!
GRUNT: What the hell?
GRUNT puts the gun to his head.
Cut back to the EASTER BUNNY. A gunshot is heard.
SMILING OWL: Well done, hero.
EASTER BUNNY: DIE!!
A sparkly pitchfork/laser gun drops down into the EASTER BUNNY'S hand. characters explode.
Cut to the NARRATOR.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the car made of the happy scented beer mat association, our characters appear to be trapped.
GOMP 2: So how did we actually get in this position?
FIRE: It's on page 402.
GOMP 2: Shut up!
C. D. DINOSAUR: This is nothing. During the war, 250 of us had to stay in one cardboard box for several years. We all had to live inside one another on rotations, and of course we had to shrink, but it was fun....
LIVER: Do you mind? We're trying to get some privacy here!
SPLEEN: Ignore them. Just go with the intimacy of the moment....
LIVER: Nevaar!
FARMER: Your Christmas tree appears to be aflame.
FRED: You smell of poop!
FARMER: NO, YOU SMELL OF POOP!
MONKS: We must bathe him!
MONKS take FARMER off screen.
A ring of light envelopes the characters, and a whooshing sound is heard.
Cut to a spaceship.
PIRATE: ARRG!
ALL: Hello.
PIRATE: ARRG!
ALL explodes.
PIRATE: ARRG!
YBRIK: You suck!
PIRATES swarm over the characters. Cut to the characters on a plank.
PIRATE: ARRG!
The characters fall off. Giant robots of each character appear and the each of the characters falls into their own robot. Cut to a bird's-eye view of the situation.
SHOEMAN: Attack!
SHOEMAN fires a missile at the ship.
SHOEMAN: Damn! I missed!
ZEAL: How could you miss? The ship takes up half of the screen!
PIRATE: ARRG!
The pirate ship fires many, many missiles.
SHOEMAN: Missiles can't stop Shoeman!
SHOEMAN explodes.
VOICE OVER: Now it's time for the Christian fundamentalist hour!
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST: I am a Christian fundamentalist.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Did you know that your religion has quotes that were invented by those of a religious nature to explain why people die? Oh yes! These terms were created to give explanation to things that occur naturally in life. "The lord giveth" means that God gave us life; "the lord taketh away" means that he takes away the life that he gives. So, what I am voicing is that God puts all that time and effort into creating man, to just spend his time killing them. What makes you so sure that there is a God, anyway? From a young age you were told what to do and what to believe, so it came naturally to you to believe lies. So if we made up a religion... I don't know, maybe "Toilet Cream", and taught it to many, many children who would than teach it to their children, who would teach others along with their own children, then there would be churches - and soon this cult would be as popular as other religions so it would become recognised. Soon, over time, people will begin to question the Christian faith as it obviously no longer applies to modern day society, and it's merely a way for the Western world to get into a promised afterlife. When people realise this, they will no longer follow this religion and instead they will follow others' religions that do make sense and religions that are easy to really follow. So after, say, a millennia, my false religion will be the correct one, and all the others would be dust. The "Toilet Cream" concept is also believable from its actual proof. You can go into a supermarket now and buy toilet cream and it would defend your toilet from bacteria which is, let's say, evil, but God does nothing and the Bible makes excuses for that too, so Christianity really sucks.
MAN IN AUDIENCE is shot. The audience applaud.
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST: I am a Christian fundamentalist.
VOICE OVER: That was the Christian fundamentalist hour.
Cut to a barren wasteland, complete with desk and chair.
TREE: Where is everyone?
The characters fall from the top of screen onto TREE. TREE explodes, followed by the characters.
Scene Six
NARRATOR: The pirate egg haunts the steps of all the famous worldwide game characters, like many turtles after a singular pea. But those who do not know of it are curious to its being, for they do not see the pirate egg as an egg who has dreams of becoming a pirate but a poetical dancing panda such as... this one.
Cut to backstage.
PANDA: I am the poetical dancing panda, I am.
WISP OF SMOKE: Yet you do not have any ears, how can you be poeticalal?
PANDA: Because! My ears are actually trees.
WISP OF SMOKE: But are they not but trees magical magic stick that spew magical magicalities that use the their magicalalibility to magically make their use of magic into magicalal pieces of magic?
PANDA: No. They are actually magical spewing pieces of magic that use their magical magic to magically grow magic mushrooms that use the original magicality to magically magic up some magical magic magicalistones that grow more magic trees.
PAUL WINCHELL: I have the fish pants.
RED BLOB: That be a bad sign, for only those who wish to summon the pirate egg wears the fish pants.
OIRAM: I vant zose fish pants! Give zem to me or I shall haf to turn into a rock!
RED BLOB: No... please no... not a rock... anything but a rock!
OIRAM: I vill! Unless you give me zose fish pants!
RED BLOB: No, these are my fish pants, they are made of happy salmon!
OIRAM: Fine, I shall turn into a stone!
RED BLOB: You will have these fish pants, but be warned, I shall run away and leave you with those fish pants... aloned!
OIRAM: YAY!
A fish pant icon appears on the side of the screen. A "pop" is heard, and the PIRATE EGG appears.
PIRATE EGG: You have fallen into my trap... lol.
OIRAM: Orange poo.
PIRATE EGG: Indeed!
OIRAM enters the pirate egg and the fish pants icon disappears.
NARRATOR: I LIKE TO STROKE THE BACKSPACE KEY, I follow the arrow down the board onto the many keys that are on the path to true, computerised heaven... anyway, we go towards the general direction of which pogo sticks lie....
Cut to two pogo sticks having a conversation. They both talk with cockney accents.
POGO STICK 1: So, OK, tell me what ‘appened when you were at the gym....
POGO STICK 2: OK then, I shall show you with these two pens.
Zoom in on the pens. Each has a big smiley face attached to it. The pens have French accents.
PEN 1: Hello there, are you homosexual?
PEN 2: Why, yes I am.
PEN 1: Oh joy, we can be homosexual lovers!
PEN 2: Yet there is no point as we both ‘ave no ‘oles!
PEN 1: Are you telling me you're asexual?
PEN 2: No, no, of course not! It is just that I am telling you that I'm asexual!
PEN 1: But I love you....
PEN 2: You're too late, I have found someone else!
PEN 1: Then you will never be able to fly again, unlike the rest of your clan!
PEN 2: I do not care, for I am queen of the sparkly potato fairies.
PEN 1: Fine!
Zoom out to the two pogo sticks.
POGO STICK 1: You smell of orange beets....
All characters explode. The camera follows over to the main characters. YBRIK has the fish pants.
YBRIK: W00t, I have found some fish pants.
ALL: Be careful with them, you wouldn't like to be captured by the evil pirate egg, would ye?
YBRIK: Quiet you! I shall wear whatever I wish!
YBRIK puts on the fish pants. The PIRATE EGG appears.
PIRATE EGG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are mine!
YBRIK: OK.
YBRIK enters the PIRATE EGG and the fish pants icon disappears.
ZEAL: WTF? What happened there?
ALL: Who cares, let's go drink some happy....
SHOEMAN: We must rescue him... her, yes, her!
BLAZER BOY: Why don't we just go drink some happy?
SHOEMAN: Shut up!
NARRATOR: And then, in a hill type area in which there lie no bunnies at all, not even a small family of bunnies that like to eat fish....
Cut to a hellish area with shadow in the distance.
C. D. DINOSAUR: That man over there says he is heterosexual!
FRED: Heterosexual?!
C. D. DINOSAUR: I know, it's sick!
FRED: But heterosexuality is sinful and wrong!
C. D. DINOSAUR: Let's make him into a symbol of our lesbianism.
FRED: Let's.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Shoeman has infiltrated Pirate Egg's abode....
Cut to a pirate ship area. SHOEMAN is acting in the style of the game, Metal Gear Solid.
SHOEMAN: I have infiltrated the base....
Cut to BLAZER BOY in a hot tub surrounded by Amazonian warriors.
BLAZER BOY: Having fun?
SHOEMAN: Yes, I am wet with anticipation!
BLAZER BOY: W00t.
The camera follows over to ZEAL playing poker with PIRATE EGG, wearing a moustache and beret, along with EVERYTHING, ALL and TREE.
ZEAL: King me....
EVERYTHING: Yet I rolled two sixes!
ZEAL and EVERYTHING explode.
PIRATE EGG: I have fooled you all, for I am the Pirate Egg who will mock you from laughter from my face!
ALL: So where's Ybrik?
PIRATE EGG: HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ALL: So....
PIRATE EGG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...er...over there.
PIRATE EGG points to his left. The camera follows and finds YBRIK.
Scene Seven
NARRATOR is lying down face front on the floor.
Narrator: What? Turn on the lights. Turn on the lights! Oh no. I'm blinded. Blinded! Blindedded! I'm like a small mother. Blind.
NARRATOR continues to shriek whilst a man walks over towards NARRATOR and kicks him over.
Narrator: Oh.
NARRATOR explodes.
Title sequence.
Open to a beach scene. FIRE is eating GOMP 2.
SHOEMAN: I wish to eat a snack.
ALL: Check the larder.
SHOEMAN: NO I LIKE MY FRIDGE YOU DON'T LIKE MY FRIDGE YOU THINK ITS BAD BUT YOU ARE WRONG. WRONG LIKE YOUR FACIAL HAIR.
STUDENT DEBT MAN: I would like to introduce to you my special dancing pigeon who is gay for me!
SEVENTEEN: You special my ass you like it bad fishcake!
GOMP 2: I will go.
GOMP 2 walks off. All characters look at each other. GOMP 2 shrieks, screams and explodes.
ALL: I wonder what's keeping him?
SHOEMAN: YOU WOULD LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU! YOU WOULD WANT US TO EAT YOUR CEREAL SO WE WOULD HAVE HEALTHY SKIN WHILST I'M EATING SALT!
SHOEMAN walks off.
SHOEMAN shrieks, screams and explodes.
SUPER: A while later.
Cut to GARY and DRUNGA standing on the beach.
GARY: C'mon, Drunga let us eat passionately our food in separate rooms away from each other in our seashore abode.
DRUNGA: Oh, Gary!
GARY and DRUNGA walk into the house. The floor is covered in blood and guts and body parts.
GARY: Oh no, we do not appear to have any food. Let's go to a brothel!
DRUNGA: But, Gary, what about the children?
GARY: We do not have any children, and can you tell me why we don't have any children?
DRUNGA: (sighing) Because you are the reincarnation of my father's castrated penis.
GARY: That does it, right now give me sex!
DRUNGA: KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
UNSMILING FACE: I SPOON YOU DEATH HAHAHA
HAT: Not without this!
UNSMILING FACE: NO TISH CUTLERY!
Cut to a grey windowless room.
PAPA: Now children, take off your clothes.
CHILD: Why papa?
PAPA: Err...we are giving you to the slave trade as a gift for all the hard work they're doing.
CHILD: Yay.
The doorbell rings.
PAPA: Damn! My paedophilic adventure will have to be postponed!
PAPA opens the door.
PAPA: No thank you, you can get it for eight schnitzels at the supermarket.
SUPER: Meanwhile, at the supermarket.
Cut to outside the supermarket crèche, which has loads of people sitting in nappies and smoking cigars/dying of leprosy.
TEENAGE MOTHER: (to baby) I'm sorry, Shitty Shit, but I need to go to Taiwan to complete my hairdressing course and I've heard they eat people called Shitty Shit there, so unfortunately I will have to leave you behind.
BABY: Really mother, please, this is a formal occasion and I really would appreciate it if you were not trying to live so much.
TEENAGE MOTHER places Baby in the crèche.
BABY 2: I HAVE LEPROSY LALALALALA!
BABY 3: STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT YOU WILL FORNICATE MY BOT BOT PLEASE.
BABY: OK....
SUPER: Back at the beach hut....
FRED: I want a pet to eat your face so you can't see me do bad gay.
CACTUS DOLL: I'm here! Now I can wreak havoc once more upon the world and everyone shall know the name of -
FIRE: Oh look, a doll. Let's kill it.
C. D. DINOSAUR: I shall rent the tow truck!
UGLY MAN: Would you like to rent this tow truck?
C. D. DINOSAUR: No, because you're ugly.
A LAWYER appears.
LAWYER: You say sorry now or I will use lawyer magic on you and tell you stories on how I've destroyed peoples lives.
SUPER: On a battleground somewhere....
SOLDIER: So, I have these big sexual organs in my shirt.
SOLDIER 2: Well, I have bigger sexual organs in my shirt.
SOLDIER: Well, mine are stronger!
SOLDIER 2: Mine are faster!
SOLDIER: MINE CAN CIRCLE THE EARTH.
SOLDIER 2: WELL MINE HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH DEAD HADDOCK BUT BREAKS IT UP AFTER FIVE WEEKS AS HE DOESN'T LIKE COMMITMENT.
SOLDIER: YEAH!
SOLDIER 2: YEAH!
SOLDIER: YEAH!
SOLDIER 2: YEAH!
A happy smiley face sun shoots laser beams down at the soldiers, and they turn into happy smiley bunnies.
SCIENTIST: Chapter Four, and the Homosexual Deviancy Brigade have taken the fortress, OH NO THE ZEBRA CROSSING FLANK IS OPEN SHOOT MY ROSY FACE SHOOTS IT GUD.
LEADER: Homosexual Deviancy Brigade attack!
KAKAKAKAKAKAKA, BOOGHH BOOGH PATAPATAPATAPATAPATA. The Brigade eat salty potato snacks.
NARRATOR: Death row party extravaganza!
A classical violin plays. Cut to black tie event, with champagne glasses and expensive chocolate.
PRISONER: Gay pet is gay pet gay pet gay petiliciousy gay!
PRISONER 2: Well I just had sex with four fish and they were all deaded like corn!
ELECTRIC CHAIR: CORN?!!
NEEDLE: CORN!
The NEEDLE and ELECTRIC CHAIR dance the can can and have a jolly whiz time.
Scene Eight
NARRATOR: To tell the utmost truth, I like Normandy. It smells like bad haddock. The population are bad people, so Normandy gets a seven. But Normandy wasn't always filled with Normans, no; Normandy was filled with a mixture of Burgundy and Yellow people, who were happy with the accents that they had stolen from the stars themselves.
Cut to Normandy before Normandy was filled with Normans.
JAMES: Hello, Bill! Why, that is some very nice peat you have there.
BILL: Yes, isn't it just the blackest Pete you have ever seen?
JAMES: No.
The Normans invade.
JAMES: They like pointy shoes.
BILL: I spent my whole life tending to Pete and you simply say he's not black enough?!
NORMAN: Do you like cockerels?
JAMES: No, I hate cockerels.
NORMAN: Well, do you like cock?
JAMES: Unlike many, I do.
NORMAN: Oh no.
JAMES: What?
NORMAN: You, you've hurt cock's feelings.
JAMES: I... I'm sorry... err, I didn't mean to....
NORMAN: Look, you've made him cry.
CHINESE CHECKER: We could split it in two.
JAMES: No... I didn't mean to... I... I love cock.
NORMAN: Haha, you love cock.
JAMES: No, I hate cock.
NORMAN: Your reign of oppression against the peniskind shall end soon enough, and on that day your penis and every other in the entire world shall rise up and take back what is truly theirs!
JAMES'S GROIN: Freedom!
JAMES: What about your penis?
NORMAN: I am a penis.
NORMAN explodes.
JAMES: Now, to defend my country!
Heroic music plays.
JAMES: Excuse me, sir, but I would like to fight in that battle over there!
WAITER: No.
JAMES: What?
USHERETTE: Have you reserved a place?
JAMES: No.
USHERETTE: Then you can't go in.
JAMES: But I want to defend my country.
USHERETTE: Tough!
JAMES: Why can't I fight just for a little bit?
USHERETTE: What? And just tell one of the rich folk with their big nasty weapons, people who reserved so that nobodies like you wouldn't come along and try to take their place, that they have to go? "Oh, but don't worry, he'll only be a minute?!"
JAMES: Can't I just take the place of some of those dead people over there?
USHERETTE: Oh they're not dead, no no no, those people who appear to be dead are just resting from killing all those nasty other rich people unlike yourself.
JAMES: They're dead.
USHERETTE: Many a time has a dead rich man with his big nasty weapons been mistaken for one that was a bit tired from fighting. No, that lot are sleeping.
JAMES: They have arrows in their heads!
USHERETTE: Acupuncture clinics are all the rage now with rich folk with their big nasty weapons. Even during war....
NARRATOR: Meanwhile....
SHOP OWNER: Unfortunately, we find your work inadequate for our society. Be gone or we'll 'ave you good and hard.
LITTLE GIRL: But I want the teddy bear!
SHOP OWNER: She does not bark?
The shop owner bites the head off the little girl and a teddy bear grows in its place.
Cut to an anchovy festival with streamers.
C. D. DINOSAUR: Has anyone seen any grass?
EVERYTHING: I don't like your face - it's wrongulated in every way.
C. D. DINOSAUR: There is no grass here.
EVERYTHING: Fuck off.
SALESMAN: I know what you need! You need the GrassMaker 6000!
Advertisement for the "GrassMaker 6000";
LADY VOICE: Grass is one of the natural wonders that grow upon our planet. You like grass, don't you? So much so, you will never need to get the lawnmower out. You can guarantee that if a single blade of grass rears its lovely head on your garden of passion all you can do is lovingly decapitate it and save it for later. Buy the GrassMaker 6000 for the best grass ever.
Gomp 3 cries.
OMINOUS VOICE: GASP!
NARRATOR: Yet, alone in the woods...
Alone in the woods.
FIRE: We must find it!
CRACK hovers around FIRE's head.
CRACK: You like me, you want me!
CRACK sets fire to himself and becomes DONKLEY.
DONKLEY: You don't deserve any!
DONKLEY sucks his... leg, like a tasty straw.
GRAHAMS: You should have said that at the start!
AN ARGUMENTATIVE STATE OF AFFAIRS begins.
DONKLEY: If I had said that at the start, you wouldn't have brought the video recorder, and with such pretty handle attachments....
GRAHAMS: Your deceiving plan shall not work, pheasant scum!
DONKLEY: YOU GAY?
A FIN sign is displayed. Classical music with credits.
FIRE: You would like that, wouldn't you?
ALL: I found it.
GOMP 3: If I were not to be in that homely place, would you like me? (crying) If I had a little scrumptious dolly? It would hold my hand.
FIREMEN: Did someone say (whispering) Fire?
A sucking noise is heard.
FIREMEN: We like bras. They support us greatly.
NARRATOR: Charity cases or good for humiliteration it surely helps me feel better about my constant beatings called sleephood.
V.O.S.W.B.T.A.D.T.R.T: If it weren't for the society of rehabilitation of things that no-one really gives a fuck about - but say they do to people who think they do, but only do so to prevent their friends from finding out that the money they take to give to charity goes to pig whoring people like my friend Roger - we would still be (cut off)
HALF-BURNT CORPSE: If it weren't for my rehabilitaton I could safely say I would no longer be setting fire to public places. Or exploding things people care aboot.
FOOT CORPSE: If my rehabilitation had not succeeded correctly I would no longer be cared about and my terrorist actions would go unappreciated.
A KU KLUX KLAN CORPSE does a thumbs-up gesture, followed by MARTIN LUTHER KING performing the same gesture. Martin Luther King plays games with the Ku Klux Klan member.
IRISH: We are not 'appy! Ma money shud go to things that people shudunt car aboot.
BIRMINGHAMIANS: I R IMPARTIAL TO SUCH FACTS.
NARRATOR: Now, to all those suffering people of terrorist actions (cut off)
Cut to shots of latest terrorist attacks. Dead people with smiling faces are seen. They begin to talk.
PUBLICITY WHORES: WE ARE BEING A TERRORIST ACTION GROUP, ‘COS TERRORISM IS A GOOD WAY TO GET ATTENTION.
REPORTER: Why art thou being such, my fearful fellow?
PUBLICITY WHORES: AS WE DIED ONLY A SHORT WHILE AGO, OUR PUBLICITY HAS STOPPED. WE STAND FOR BLATANT HATE CRIMES - IT'S A GOOD THING IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US. ASK YOUR LOCAL DEMOCRACY.
An almighty penis falls from the sky and puts an end to the retardation that is this script.
THE END.
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posted by Chris @ 11:04
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